crystal's little corner

May your day be filled with light, love & happiness.  From our home to yours, have a wonderful holiday!

in case there is no tie to post over the next couple of days, merry christmas to all of you, my friend,s family & readers who i may not know!  things have been ok.. this pregnancy is a little less "awful" than the last - with the nausea & headaches, ut still not as textbook as when i was pregnant with alex.  at this point, i'm 12 weeks along, and officially past the 3 month mark.  tuesday i got another ultrasound and go to see the gummy bear.  the baby wasn't really cooperating for us to hear the heartbeat, so we got to see it instead :)  as for christmas, its here whether i like it or not.  i'm as ready as i'm going to be.  it sure isn't the christmas that i expected, i was definitely not expecting to have to pay a visit to the cemetary, but what else can i do?  its so very, very unfair for us, and all the other families who have lost loved ones this year.  but, on the bright side, i have one very excited little boy and that make...

So - today is the big day.  I turn 30. At first, I was a little frazzled by the idea of no longer being in my 20's.  But then, it kind of hit me, that this is the end of the most awful year of my life.  Good bye 29.  Good bye to the last 12 monhs.  It was only 10 days after my birthday last year that we found out Mom was sick.  So, as far as I can see, things can only go up from here.  Helllllllo 30.  ADIOS 29!!!!!

so, i've been on a bit of a break from blogging. it took me a little while to adjust to the idea of being pregnant again. what a range of emotions... fear, happiness, guilt, excitement. but the guilt. oh my. i felt like i was betraying jenna's memory by having another baby so soon. i spent alot of time dealing with that, and yes, i know it's silly to think that way, but that's the mind of a grieving mom i guess. so far, things have been not so bad with this pregnancy. i'm tired alot, and quite nauseous, but nowhere near as miserable as i was when i was pregnant with jenna. we had an ultrasound done last thursday, and got to see the "gummy bear" as everyone has started calling it. baby was measuring perfectly at 9 weeks, and had a heartrate of 174 bpm. that was the most emotional day. the minute that i heard that heartbeat, i dissolved into a quivering mess of tears, just knowing that the last time i'd laid on that bed in that ultrasound room,...

we're getting our rainbow baby. :) as of now, the doctors think i'm about 8 weeks along.  wish us luck on this journey.  i hope that you will all continue to read my blog, as it changes, a little bit, yet again. ;)

but a very happy birthday yesterday to my MOM! my mother has shown me in the past year just what strength is.  not only did she make the hardest decision, to place my grandmother in a nursing home, but she battled ovarian cancer, and WON! mom, you have been a rock for our whole family this past year, and without you i don't know what i would do.  i'm proud of you for being a fighter, and even though it was the hardest road we've taken, this year has cemented what we already knew. you are the sticky stuff that holds us all together. love you!! xox

it's so hard to believe that 4 months have passed since i held my baby girl.  i have been spending a lot of time looking back at my blog, and at life in general the last couple of days.  it's amazing to me far the mind & body can come in that short period of time.  i read back on some of my posts and think, whoa.. those were dark days.  things lately feel easier.  like i can get on with things, be a good mom, wife & family member to those that i still have here.  i can breathe a little easier, and i don't get that ache in my chest quite so often. that's not to say that i don't think of jenna every day, but it gets a little easier to talk about her, look at her photo and touch her things.  i have a very special guardian angel.  one that couldn't be any more a part of me than if it was me, myself.  she has a piece of my heart and i can never, ever forget those beautiful chubby cheeks, red pouty lips and fair, fair hair. i love you...

i used to really, really not like rainy days.  i've always been the "get up & go" kind of person who doesn't do well sitting still for long periods of time.  as most of you know, all of nova scotia has been under severe rain fall for the last couple of days.  we've had a massive flood in the basement, roads are closed due to high rivers/lakes & washouts, and i've decided that i can handle the rain. its' very soothing to listen to it.. and there's not alot of things that i find soothing any more.  the beach, and now apparently, rainy days.  what's better then folding laundry & cooking yummy food (turkey dinner, complete with pumpkin pie!), and watching the rain fall? things have been pretty good lately.  i almost feel human again.  i think i am beginning to see the rainbow at the end of the storm.

so, i have to pull it together enough to take spiderman out on the town trick or treating.. all the while trying not to think of the fact that if we hadn't lost jenna, i'd have a little princess or lady bug to take out with him. i'm really not enjoying holidays this year.  it takes just about all i have to pull it together enough for alex.  usually, by now, we have costumes ready, pumpkins carved & treat bags made... this year, it's a pair of spiderman PJ's, we just carved the pumpkins (at 430 on halloween day!), and a couple of boxes of chips. argh.

i have an ache in my chest. i think my heart may be broken.

I never know when the tears will hit.  It's been a few days since I had a bad day.. and I was starting to feel guilty last night that I haven't been to the cemetary in a full week, and I haven't shed any tears. That's not to say that Jenna isn't always on my mind, but I feel like I'm healing. This morning, I decided to stay for the children's portion of the church service before dropping Alex in his Sunday school classroom.  Normally, Rev. Dan is there with his overhead, and the kids sing some songs, before doing some other things.  This morning, Rev. Dan & the overhead were missing, so one of the other women stood up and led the kids in song that they know by heart.  She decided that Jesus Loves Me would be the 2nd song that she'd start singing, and I instantly dissolved into tears.  That was the closing hymn that we chose for my baby's funeral.  I cried my tears and my sweet, wonderful son dried them for me and whispered that he loved me. ...

my cousin miranda passed away last night.  she was 19.  shortly after birth, she was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and has been in a wheelchair for as long as i can remember.  miranda, you were a brave girl, who never let anything get in your way.  you were strong, beautiful, smart, and an inspiration to all of us to live life like it was our last day on earth.  i hope you are running and playing and kicking up the clouds.  i'll miss you. miranda lee august 5-october 21

this back to work thing is for the birds! i am starting week #3.  it is truly amazing how full my days are, and how quick the evenings go.  i don't know how to get everything done any more...  i was so used to having full days to do the groceries, laundry, housework, etc.. that it's taking me forever to get my groove back. so, on top of the house being in shambles, i feel like my blog is being neglected as well. i wonder if people are even still reading?  are you out there peeps? :)  we had a nice weekend with my folks here, and yesterday went to noggins farm to do the corn maze & apple picking.  it was realllly cold, but we still managed to enjoy ourselves. today at work, i met another angel mom.  she was the last person i would have expected to tell me that she'd had a loss, quite similar to mine, but with twins.  there's not alot of people that i know "in the real world" who have gone through the same thing, or something close, ...

so.. it's been 5 days since my last blog post.  there's not been alot going on in the macdonald household lately.  being back to work is making me exhausted, and other than zumba & tops, we've been sticking close to home. i'm off today, so taking the monkey to school, cleaning the house and waiting for my mom and dad to come visit for the weekend. mom is having her 3 month check up at the cancer centre.  please keep her in your thoughts & prayers today that everything still looks great. today is also international pregnancy & infant loss awareness day.  there is a "wave of light" being held at 7 pm (local time) during which you light a candle to remember these angels.  i will be lighting my candle for my sweet angel jenna.  momma loves you girlie.  i took a pumpkin, and a big pot of mums out to the cemetary on thanksgiving sunday.  i hope you liked them. These tears don't make me weak, they mean I still love you, that I remember...

this year has been one of many ups and downs.. and through it all, the one thing that has remained constant is my wonderful, and amazing family.  i am so incredibly thankful to have a strong family that i know counts on each other and has become even closer & stronger through everything. i am thankful for my husband.  he is my rock and without him, i could not have survived what i did. i am thankful for my son.  he makes me smile & laugh, even on the days when it hurts the most. i am thankful for my mother.  she is the strongest woman i know, and my best friend. i am thankful for my father.  he is a wonderful man who holds us all together. i am thankful for my brother.  a long time ago, my mom told me that i would be happy someday i had him.  those days have come.  he has grown in to a caring, sensitive man, who is a wonderful uncle and great brother. i am thankful for my in-laws.  they helped out with the practical stuff ...

so, i went back to work on monday.  this week just absolutely flew by.  between work, and a few things going on in the evenings, it was just a whirlwind.  wednesday kind of sucked, i just hit the point where i'm tired of people... talking about us, what happened, and pointing at me.  some mean well - they think they are giving their condolences, but wow, some of them reallllly need a lesson in how to do that. zumba was a joke, i was exhausted and didn't want to be there.  the car broke down.  we had a flood in the basement.  i still am having spotty internet service, and am still not back to 100% capacity with the water in the house.  so i'm spending saturday morning with my sick child, a plumber, and eastlink technicians. it's a long weekend.. turkey time :)  i'm really looking forward to the weekend (after the plumber & tech leave).  supper with mark's family at the "sheddage" tomorrow, oxford sunday & monday for some tim...

so, i know that some of you are people who have stumbled across my blog from other websites, and some of you are family members or friends who have been tipped off recently by me.  it's been a hard thing for me to do to open this up to all of you who i actually know in real life.  most of you haven't sat down with us and talked to us about what has happened, because of distance, or comfort with the subject or whatever.  it's really like opening up my brain to all of you and that scared me.  but now, i have had some feedback from a few of you, and it's been all positive for the most part.  we have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends in the last 3 months, and i am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system.  so to each of you, thank you. please feel free to leave a comment on the blog, or drop me an email, any time.  don't be afraid to talk to me about jenna.. don't owrry that you'll upset me, or mae me cry.  granted, it ma...

back to reality. started back to work full time today.. now it's work, nursery school, babysitters, and crazy. so, no real update. just a quick hello, and going to snuggle with hubby to catch up on TV.  night y'all.

i live in a house full of men.  the hubs, the kid, even the cat.  after cleaning and doing laundry for 3 hours, i went in our room, sat down on the bed, and tried to imagine what life would have been like if we had brought jenna home from the hospital and i wasn't so frigging outnumbered.  i couldn't even picture it.  i sat on that bed for about a half hour, and just talked to her picture.  maybe someday, in the not so distant future, i'll be not so outnumbered. and here we go with the other kiddo.. most of my blog writing focuses on the way i feel about what happened, and the unimaginable road of grief and healing that we are on.... but at the same time, on top of all these emotions, i still have to be a mom to the most wondeful little boy there is. so, because it was a big day... first day of preschool was yesterday.  here's my proud as punch kid.  i hope that he continues to look forward to school as much as he did this day. oh.. and we start...

there were a few tears today.  my friend and her daughter went with alex & i to the cemetary.  i've been doing alot of thinking about angels, and signs from heaven.  maybe it's what people do when they so desperately need something to show them that their loved one is around.  i'm more apt to notice a butterfly, or a rainbow.  today was no exception.  eve & i were sitting at jenna's stone, sharing some tears, and our kids were chasing a butterfly around the stone.  all i could think was, that's gotta be her way of playing with her brother.  we got in the car to come home, and there was a butterfly, flying around my window.  came home, there was another one, dancing in my front yard.  could it be?  after sharing jenna's headstone with her, eve felt comfortable enough to ask to see a picture of jenna.  she actually ended up going through the whole memory box.  we were both crying by the time we were finished, but i...

sooo, i'm going back to work a week from today.  i am so ready to get back. i'm one of those lucky people that love their job, and most of my co-workers.  :) the week is shaping up to be a busy one.  i don't know why i call it a week of lazy, because i'm rarely lazy.  wednesday night, i've signed up for a zumba class.  i'm working on thursday, and going to TOPS thursday night for WI, and my baby boy starts nursery school on Friday. i don't have much to talk about at the moment.  i'm feeling good, and enjoying some time at my mom and dad's house for a day or two.  the housewarming party was a good time... and after pretty much everyone left, we let one of our friends look at photos of jenna.  he was the first one other than immediate family (and most of them haven't looked at them yet), and her godparents to see them. 

i drank too much wine tonight. but i had a WICKED time.   and i need to plan another party.

how many milestones can there be? yesterday i went to visit with my friends A&B... they are the proud parents of Abbey Grace who is mentioned in a post from earlier this month.  she was my first face to face with a baby since letting my angel girl go.  i held her, snuggled her, and drank her in.  and i didn't cry.  so there!  i think jenna must have been there helping her momma be strong ;) after leaving, cat & i went for some retail therapy.  is there anything better than clothes & candy apples to make a girl feel better?  i didn't think so.  until i came home.  i decided to plow myself forward and go for a walk (at just over 5 lbs to go until goal, i need all the motivation i can get!), walked up to where hubs was working, and we decided to treat ourselves to a dinner out since we don't have our boy here for the weekend.  so, we came home, cleaned up and went to the fo'c'sle for supper.  it was great!  and ju...

yesterday was dark. i was angry.  angry at the world, people, smiles, God.  i wanted my baby back.  it's been the darkest day in weeks.  i couldn't stop yelling, crying, and throwing things around the house.  i ended up making a trip to the doctor to pick up a form for nursery school for my boy and she took one look at me and pulled me in the office.  she finally gave me something to help me sleep (my sleep patterns are HORRIFIC) and on the days when i'm tired, i fall deepest. anger.  it's such a strong emotion. my chest had what felt like the world's biggest knot in it... i physically was drained.  my eyes hurt from crying.  and worst of all - i couldn't help but be angry at some of the people i care about most.  they have healthy kids (so do i, but somehow that escaped me), they were too busy with their own lives to check in on me, and why, WHY, WHY, would anyone tell me that it was "God's plan" or "for the best".  why, WHY woul...

So, I should have posted this on Saturday, which was actually the monkeys' birthday, but things were just too busy, as you can tell by the post below. Alex, I'm so proud to call you my son.  You are a smart, considerate, handsome little man, who brings the greatest joy to my life.  You are the reason I get out of bed in the morning, and the reason that I kept going through the dark days of summer after we lost your sister.  She would be so proud of you for doing all you can to keep Mommy happy.  Daddy & I love you so much, that sometimes I don't even know how to put it in to words. I love you all the way to the moon buddy.  And I know (because you tell me too!), that you love me all the way back. 

what a busy, busy weekend! TOPS was thursday night.. i'm now down to 5.75 lbs away from goal..can't believe how close i'm getting, but i've been workin' my butt off to get it, so i am soo happy to finally see some results. friday night, we hosted a birthday dinner for my brother in law.  ten people for a bbq, all kinds of fun. saturday was my boy's birthday, he turned 4.  time sure flies.  i was hoping to do a post on saturday about him, but there was just no time!  i ran errands for the big birthday party, and then had to go to a suprise party for my mother in law saturday night. did i mention that my folks also came down?  with a FAB surprise.  they have decided that after the year of hell that they have gone through, to treat themselves to something special.  a 2010, candy apple red, camaro.  it's pretty.  :D sunday was big birthday party day for alex.  he had an absolute blast, with lots of friends and family, a spiderman theme, ...

so.. thanks to lynn for an amazing fall treat.  pumpkin scones.  :)  i've been trying to find a use for all the pumpkin that is frozen from last year.. and this was just the way to use some of it up.. rave reviews from our house, and my in-laws.  i also need some input from you fellow bloggies & foodies out there.  our new place came with a mess of a garden already grown.  problem is, i'm not much of a veggie grower yet (i've put in a tiny garden at our old place, but nothing substantial).  found these growing.. do you suppose they are pumpkins?  or squash?  my guess is pumpkins.

i remember those dark days after i lost jenna.. i swore to have more patience, and be a better mom to alex. not to sweat the small stuff. what happened to that woman? my son is grating on my nerves. i have very little patience. and i just want to enjoy every minute that i have with him because time slips by too quickly. but MAN. i think i need to get back to work. i am not cut out to be a stay at home mommy. i salute anyone who can. i'm going crazy. it's a rainy day, and alex is needing to be entertained. alllll the time. so i'm googling for rainy day kids projects, and hoping for the best.

change your name? i've decided that instead of being Mommy.. i'm going to change my name to Bob. or something equally unlike Mommy. seriously.

We decided that after the great care that we received from the maternity floor & staff at SSRH while I was in having Jenna (and prior to that, Alex), that we were going to make a donation in the kids names to the floor. The hospital has a great program in place, called Hands of our Future, where when you make a donation, they engrave your child's name and birthdate on a coloured hand, and then mount it on the floor. They even give you an opportunity to bring your children over to have them mount their own handprints, and take photos for you. Alex & Jenna's handprints have been ready since just before my due date, but with the move, and all that was going on, we decided to head over yesterday to get the pictures taken: alex mounting his sister's handprint and then his own. *I also need to give a shout-out to my BFF and her hubby. They welcomed their first child, a girl, named Abby Grace on Sept 9 :) Welcome to the world sweet girl - you have your very own guardian...

a few pics of our new digs: my kitchen living room.. and my boy vegging out ;) front of house my cute little yard - which also boasts a big garden!! i am IN LOVE with the new place.. especially now that we have it mostly unpacked, cleaned and re-painted. talk about a great fresh start. there have been more laughs than cries here, more smiles than tears. i can actually feel like i'm moving forward, at a level and steady pace. i'm not mourning, i'm celebrating. i'm looking forward to the future and all it has to offer. xo

we survived.. 5 hours of no power (not so bad, considering NSP!), and spotty internet/phone for the last 36 hour or so. no major damage done to our house, or anyone we know, thankfully. some pics: looking off our back deck during the storm behind that big tree? our old house.. good time for the move! chester - post hurricane earl some floats/docks that have broken away from their homes

things have been crazy here this morning. hurricane earl is currently blowing his way across southern nova scotia, and is expected to make landfall somewhere between lunenburg and halifax. if you do the calculation, that's pretty much where we live. just a quick update before the inevitable power outage :) last night we went to bayswater beach for a swim and some family fun.. i actually felt relaxed, and managed to enjoy the time without too many dark thoughts. after we came home, we bbq'd yet again, and then my friend cat came over for the evening. we had a good long talk, and consumed too much wine. all in all, a great evening. will post again after the hurricane passes us by.. :)

hey everyone :) i see lots of new visitors in the last little while. i guess actually blogging and posting about it makes that happen. comment below & let me know who you are! :)

I can't take credit for writing this, but it's so beautiful and fitting, I needed to post it. Daddy, please don't look so sad Mommy, please don't cry Because I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies Please try not to question God Don't think He is unkind. Don't think He sent me to you And then He changed his mind. You see, I am a special child, And I'm needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him The product of your love. I'll always be there with you And watch the sky at night Find the brightest star that's gleaming That's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost That mists your windowpane That's me in the summer showers I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss upon your nose When you see a child playing And your heart gives a little tug That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart...

yesterday was an AMAZING day. i decided early yesterday morning that i had had enough of unpacking, and so loaded my kid, our stuff and i in our car and took off for river philip (where mom and dad live) a couple of days. the original plan was to come on the weekend, but due to hurricane earl tracking towards us, and a ridiculous heat wave, i came early. i spent yesterday afternoon lounging at my brother's house - he's got an inground pool - drinking pina coladas with my family and some of adams' friends, and eating pizza. we wrapped up with a quick trip to the exhibition in oxford so alex could go on some of the midway rides. all in all, it was a great day and just what i needed. today is supposed to be another scorcher, so there could be more pool time.. or maybe the beach. :)

so.. i'm not typically a food bloggie, but this meal was TOO awesome not to share! last night, we had blue, white, and red new potatoes, yellow & green beans, and carrots, all fresh from the garden! along with a nice bbq steak, it was an awesome meal, and very pretty & colourful!

I might hate packing, but I LOVE, LOVE unpacking a new place. It's all about fresh starts from now on. Tears will be looked at as hugs from heaven, and I was given some wise words from one of the lovely ladies that I have been talking to from a online support group. It puts a whole new spin on things. Jenna is the birds singing in the trees, sunshine filtering through the trees, and the butterfly you see fly by. :) All the beautiful things in life.

got all moved in.. a bigger update will follow. last night i had to walk out of a restaurant after seeing a little girl walk by hand in hand with her mom. she looked so much as i pictured jenna to be at that age. i got right short of breath, and it felt like someone had stepped on my heart. BOOM tears. oh well.. mom, dad adn mark to the rescue, and i was ok in a few minutes.

boxes, boxes and MORE boxes!!! and just cuz i'm proud of it.. my first harvest from my first garden :) there's more there, but this is a small sampling of what i may get out of it before the move!

it really sucks when in casual conversation, i mention that my daughter has passed away, and people are absolutely horrified. the girl at the grocery store told me how great my necklace was, and asked what the charms meant. there is a charm for each of the kids with their birthstones, and jenna's has an angel wing attached. sooo, i told her that my daughter had passed. then, i donated a bunch of stuff to a yard sale for a local fundraiser. the woman congratulated me on the baby (having known i was pregnant), and i told her that jenna was stillborn. she also, looked horrified. both of these things happened within a half hour of each other. i wish people could talk to me about her without getting that look on their face. i'm ok with talking about jenna. i actually feel better for the talking that i've done. i've found some amazing resources online using social networking sites, and message boards. i've also met some other amazing angel-mommies who have been ab...

alex is gone to his nanny & popeye's for the week. mom offered to take the boy to give me a break to get some packing done, and give my hubby and i some much needed time together. i know that mom and dad are enjoying every minute of the time they have with alex, but it's making me crazy because i havent' been away from alex except for one night since i have been out of the hospital. on top of everything else, mark and i have not spent any amount of time together, and when we do, we tend to have a fight. rather depressing. so i think that it will do us some good to have the time together. i know that we won't fall apart, but i sure do miss my easy going, laid back hubby who loves to laugh and joke. tomorrow is a full out packing day. the move happens on saturday. i can't quite believe that august is already over. i didn't get to enjoy much of it, but this move will be good for all of us.

Today started out on a great note. I was feeling good, my cold is on the mend, and I had sent Alex to the sitter today so that I could get some work done on the move. I got some of the work done, and then, like a freight train, the sadness came bearing down on me. I shed alot of tears, and got alot out. I just hate feeling so sad all the time. I miss when I used to be happy. I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on, and act strong that when I do fall apart, I feel like a total wreck. Oh well.. that's the bad part I guess.

today we packed up and went to upper clements park with mark's sister & her family.. the 7 of us had an absolute blast!!

so, as i mentioned, yesterday was my due date and the setting of jenna's headstone. i didn't want to have the day come and go without acknowledging it, so me, hubby, alex and the in-laws all took helium balloons to the cemetary with notes tied to them, and sent them to "heaven". it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. only one hurdle left to get over. we made a donation in both kid's names to the hospital foundation here. when you do that, they engrave metal handprints with the kids names and birthdates, and mount them on the wall on the mat floor. i got the call on thursday that the hands are done, and i could bring the kids over to have their pics taken with them. so, i then had to explain to the woman that alex would be having his done with both of them, and jenna wouldn't be coming. so, that's on tap for wednesday. i know i'm not typically a picture posting kind of bloggie, but i think today's a good day to start. the balloons...

Tomorrow is my due date. Jenna's headstone is arriving tomorrow. Coincidence?

I can't even believe that six weeks has passed. For time that felt like it was standing still, it sure has flown by. I had my six week postpartum appointment today. After the always super fun internal & pap test (sorry boys!), I had a talk with the doctor and RN about when we could try again. I've been told to start taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins now so that I may not get so sick if/when I get pregnant, as compared to my pregnancy with Jenna. Basically, there's no reason physically that we couldn't start trying right away, they've just suggested waiting for a period to come so that they can accurately date a pregnancy. Mark & I are seriously considering trying as soon as I get my first period. I don't want to wait a long time in case it takes us awhile to get pregnant. However, I also am afraid of what will happen when we do get pregnant. Will they think that we're rushing into it? Will they think that we're trying to replace or...

i haven't shed a tear today. it feels strange not to have cried today. i did go through all the baby stuff in the basement today, and still no tears. maybe the fog is starting to lift. i've decided that on friday, which is my expected due date, i'm going to pick up 3 helium balloons, and mark, alex & i are all going to go to the cemetery and let them go, with notes attached. i need to acknowledge the day somehow, and i don't know how to do it. so sending a note to my angel is the only way i can think to do it.

this weekend was the easiest one that i've put in since the beginning of july. mom was here, and we spent a great couple of days. eating, shopping, beaching, bingo (!) & packing up the house. i can honestly say that i've only shed tears twice since friday night. once because there was a lot of wine consumed, and second because of the extremely pregnant lady at the beach. this week is a busy one.. doctor's appointment for my 6 week post, hair appointment, work, a trip to hatfield farms, and MORE packing. we did start moving some stuff up to the new place. it's going to be great to have a fresh start. i'm really, really looking forward to the move.

so, i am normally a pretty mellow-jello kind of person but there are certain things that just tick me off. i HATE waiting on other people. if you say you're going to do something, do it. if you say you're going to be at my house in 20 minutes, please freakin' be here. i HATE HATE HATE living my life on someone else's time. ok. rant over. what are your pet peeves?

so, i am normally a pretty mellow-jello kind of person but there are certain things that just tick me off. i HATE waiting on other people. if you say you're going to do something, do it. if you say you're going to be at my house in 20 minutes, please freakin' be here. i HATE HATE HATE living my life on someone else's time. ok. rant over. what are your pet peeves?

i went to work today. it was hard, but i survived. i work for an incredible place that has been more than understanding about what we went through. they have been incredible. from organizing the catering for the reception, to giving mark a month off with pay, to getting us a hand carved urn for jenna's ashes, i couldn't ask for a better workplace. it was really nice to be back to be around my co-workers, but hard to face my regular customers. i teared up a couple of times, but nothing that a walk away didn't cure. right now i'm in organizing mode for the move... and its' race week in chester so i'm sticking close to home.

tomorrow marks my first day back to work since july 6th. i'm nervous about going back and facing customers who still don't know what happened, but very much looking forward to it at the same time. i love my job, and can't wait to get back to a routine. i'm only going back one day a week until october, and then will be back full time october 4th. we are very fortunate here in canada to still be entitled to 15 weeks of maternity leave after a pregnancy loss after 20 weeks. there are no available earnings so they will deduct whatever i make dollar for dollar but it's worth it to go back to work. i could stay off until the beginning of november on mat leave, and then if i wanted to, take an additional 15 weeks of sick leave, but i want to get back to work so that i can start building up my hours again so when we start trying for another baby, i can re-claim maternity leave. will let you know how it goes tomorrow. i'm doubtful that i'll sleep much tonight t...

today was a bittersweet day for birthdays. my niece turned 10 today. 10 on the 10th, in 2010. talk about a golden birthday :) i hope she had a wonderful day filled with all the things that are important at 10 years old. auntie crys loves you abby paige. today is also jenna's one month angel day. it was a good day to keep myself busy, so i didn't focus too much on it, and didn't make it a big deal. packing sort of dominated the day, but we did go to bridgewater and do a little bit of shopping. alex asked if he could buy his baby sister some flowers, so i took him to the superstore and let him pick out whatever he wanted. he chose red gerber daisies. i don't know what brought it on, but it seemed fitting that the first time he wanted to buy something for jenna, that it came on this day. i cannot believe a whole month has passed since i held my baby girl. it's been one heck of an emotional roller coaster. it didn't kill me, so i must be stronger. xo

what a nice evening.. hubby had the house cleaned and pizza on the table for supper when i got home... then i took a long walk with marcie, came home to settle in for a good hour of funny tv and a glass of wine. mark's off tomorrow, which i hadn't expected, so we're going to get a jag on with the packing, before heading to bridgewater for some shopping and our niece's 10th birthday dinner. should be a good way to spend the day.

10 years ago today, i went on my first date with my hubby. it's amazing how time goes by. lucky for him, i still think he's cute and funny and wonderful.

today marks one month since i found out i'd lost my girl. about this time, on july 7th, i was on my way home to pack a bag and head back to the hospital to be admitted. i spent the day playing with my kid, spending time with a good friend, and then took myself to outpatients. i have a case of laryngitis that morphed into a nasty throat thing. so now i'm on antibiotics.

dad got out of the hospital, so i picked up and came home for the weekend. didn't do much today, took a quick trip to amherst, stopped at my bro's for a visit, had supper, and then took a trip to the park for alex to have a swim and play at the playground. i didn't have too bad of a day, a few tears but that's all. mom brought me a bracelet home from ontario that's engraved with jenna's name. it's a little easier and more discreet to wear then the heart necklace i was given in the hospital. i keep that one with me all the time, either on my neck or in my pocket. rip angel girl. i miss you.

just a quick update for today... we got the new place and are moving this month.. soooo excited. i love this little house, it has a ton of good memories for us. it's the first place i brought alex home from the hospital, first steps, first words, first everything for him. it's also full of not so good memories right now. the worst part of the packing stuff is that i have to tackle the room full of baby stuff. oh well. it'll be worth it for a fresh start, 3 bedrooms, and 2 bathrooms :)

i got my maternity photos back today. we had them taken on july 7th. it was only a couple of hours later that we learned we had lost jenna. the photos are all gorgeous, and i'm thrilled to have them as a memento. however, the irony hit me that as the 3 of us posed for all these photos with smiling faces, my sweet girl was slowly dying inside me. breaks my heart. they are too beautiful not to share at least one, so i will leave you with that today. photo taken by: heidi frausell http://www.hfphotography-heidi.blogspot.com/

today i had a crappy morning. another call from the obs clinic, a couple more sympathy cards, and in the mail, a brochure from a support group here in bridgewater for mother's who have lost children. i wondered all along if there was a support group, and now that i have the information, i don't know if i can face going to one. makes it seem that much more real. that seems silly, but maybe i'm just not brave enough to put a strong face on and go in and discuss things with a bunch of strangers. after i spent the morning crying, i picked up and left for the beach again. thank goodness for good weather. alex loves being at the beach because he can play, and i feel so much better when i'm there. i always have loved the beach, and this seems to be a huge part of my healing. it's just too bad that every time i go to the beach i'm surrounded by pregnant women and baby girls. after coming home from the beach we went and looked at a house. it's just across th...

so, i spoke to the ob today. autopsy results are back and just like we expected, nothing that we didnt' expect. jenna's cord was around her neck and it was just an unfortunate circumstance that caused us to lose her. i did speak to him about what would happen if we opted to try again. he said that there is nothing to prevent us from doing so, and that my next pregnancy would be a little more closely monitored for baby growth & movement but nothing too extensive since this was really just a horrible accident. mark and i have talked about it, and i don't want to wait very long to try again. we've decided that we will wait until november/december to try again. luckily we don't have a hard time getting preggo, and hopefully that will be the case again. i just want to make sure that i avoid having a due date in july or august, so that i'm not due near jenna's birthday or EDD. my due date is not that far off, and i really want to do something to recogni...

time to look forward. sometime this month, i would expect to see jenna's headstone arrive, and i need to get past my due date of the 20th. other than those two things, it's all about moving forward. the doctor called on friday with news on the autopsy. nothing unexpected, so it was definitely a cord accident that robbed us of our girl. the good news is that there should be nothing from preventing us from trying again. i have to call him tomorrow to confirm all of this, but at least nothing genetic was to blame. i can't wait to try again for another baby, i just want to make sure that when we do start trying that we try to plan so that we aren't expecting around either jenna's birthday or due date. i'm so thankful to have set this blog up. its been a great source of comfort for me to be able to put my words out there, without having to worry about upsetting people around me. i fiind that talking about what happened is very helpful. i don't want to ...

yesterday was a little rough. i stopped at the hospital to take a thank you card to the ob staff, and then went to find out about making a donation to the maternity floor. after that, we went and picked out jenna's headstone. i am incredibly happy with the service we got from the guy at demone monuments, and am actually looking forward to seeing the finished product. we designed the stone to be exactly as we wanted. we carved an angel in the top above miss jenna's name, and the date of her sleeping arrival. underneath we put a little saying that i found in the last couple of weeks, from all the time i've spent on stillbirth support group websites. i'll leave you with that. "Some people dream of angels. We held one in our arms."

i can't believe how quick this month has gone by. it's been a blur of bad memories, and i can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. i am trying so hard to work my way through this muck, but all i can do is google and learn about stillbirths and spend time reading other people's blogs at thsi point. i feel as though my heart has been smashed into 5000 pieces. how do you come back from that? i'm having a hard time with starting what these doctors call the "grieving process". i'm so afraid that if i start coming to terms with things that i'll forget my sweet jenna. and i can't bear the thought that someday i won't remember just what she looked like, or what it felt like when she would give me a little kick in the belly. my days are so full with alex that night time is the absolute worst time of the day for me. i've also come to the realization that i can't stand to be by myself... and for anyone who knows me, you know...

i cannot quite put into words the last few days. in a nutshell, our family has suffered a huge loss, and our sweet little baby came in to the world at 34 weeks, as a forever angel. jenna's obit we found out on wednesday that there was no heartbeat. i then spent from wednesday until sunday in the hospital. my angel made her appearance at 10:58 saturday evening, in a very quick fashion . there was no time for me to have any kind of pain medication, but i'm very glad for that, since i was extremely clear headed when the time came. i spent 4 hours with jenna, and am incredibly thankful for that time with her. i'll carry her spirit with me forever, and will never forget.

the last few months have absolutely flown by! i'm suffering the pregnancy from hell.. still taking the anti-nauseant pills, still suffering migraines! we have decided to not find out the sex of the baby, so it'll a surprise to all of us . mom has now completed all her chemo, and had surgery. GREAT news... she is cancer free! just a quick update, and i leave you with a belly pic... taken on victoria day.

tonight was the night i was supposed to go talk to my doctor about getting a prescription for dilectin to help with my nausea.. sure enough, we got hit with snow and i had to cancel!! oh well.. another couple days at this point won't kill me i'm sure. talked to dad for a bit tonight. they signed nan in to a nursing home today. she'll get moved there on wednesday from the hospital. i'm amazed that it was that fast of a transition. hopefully it will go smoothly. i'm heading up to the homeland on the weekend. i can't wait. on the bright side, one good thing has come out of all of this! a friend who i haven't talked to in years and i have re-connected. a & i could have been sisters in jr. high & high school.. but then you leave to go to school and all of a sudden, you lose touch. i'm thrilled that we're chatting again. she's in nb, but we're going to try and make a plan to meet the next time we're in the same area. :)

so.. where to start? it's been a crappy month to be a member of my family. christmas eve day, we were given mom's diagnosis... ovarian cancer it is. she had her first round of chemo yesterday, and being the trooper that she is, sounds like she's having an ok day. there's another 5 rounds of chemo to go, and a surgery. we'll see what happens next i guess. it's been hard to deal with and i haven't really wanted to talk to anyone about it, so i've been holding it all in. argh. this is the problem with not having any really "close" friends. and then - my grandmother got admitted back to the hospital. this was 2 weeks ago now almost, and i doubt very much that we'll see her come home. if she comes out of the hospital at all, it will be to a nursing home, if they can find her a placement. she's very confused, and having big problems with her blood pressure. so that leaves me.. the 3rd of these lovely ladies. i'm now battling st...

2009 is a thing of the past, and i can't say that i'm sad to see it go. it was a bit of a topsy-turvy year. i'm going to attempt to tackle project 365 this year and take a picture every day. it's a big year for us. alex starts nursery school in september, and macdonald baby #2 is scheduled to arrive mid-summer! here's to hoping that it's a year filled with health & happiness.