you just never know..

I never know when the tears will hit.  It's been a few days since I had a bad day.. and I was starting to feel guilty last night that I haven't been to the cemetary in a full week, and I haven't shed any tears. That's not to say that Jenna isn't always on my mind, but I feel like I'm healing.

This morning, I decided to stay for the children's portion of the church service before dropping Alex in his Sunday school classroom.  Normally, Rev. Dan is there with his overhead, and the kids sing some songs, before doing some other things.  This morning, Rev. Dan & the overhead were missing, so one of the other women stood up and led the kids in song that they know by heart.  She decided that Jesus Loves Me would be the 2nd song that she'd start singing, and I instantly dissolved into tears.  That was the closing hymn that we chose for my baby's funeral.  I cried my tears and my sweet, wonderful son dried them for me and whispered that he loved me.


All of you who know me in real life know that I am not a regular church goer.  And my heart these days feels like it's been tested by God to it's absolute breaking point, so it is hard for me to even go and stay for that small portion that I did today.  It's hard to feel like I should be taking Alex, and being more faithful because of the blessings in my life, but I can't help but be angry with God.

And that hurts.