Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Let’s Talk

Today is Bell’s Let’s Talk day. If you are reading this from somewhere else, or are currently residing under a rock, its an initiative to bring awareness and raise funds for mental health.

Mental health. It’s a tough subject.  No one wants to admit to having a problem. Suffering silently until sometimes it’s just too much to handle. Unfortunately, I know far too many people who have lost this battle. 

I’m the last one to talk about this in relation to me. But I think that to do so is an effort to be aware, make people understand, and have my voice heard.

Depression. Anxiety. What I shrug off as “girl brain”. I’ve always been over sensitive to things, super emotional, who can go from laughter to tears to raging mad in a matter of seconds. I question everything and everyone around me. I worry about how I look, what people think, if people like me. I consistently think people are talking negatively about me. That everything that’s not perfect or doesn’t go according to plan somehow is my fault.  

When I lost Jenna, my world collapsed. I couldn’t get out of bed. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Ignored the world.

When my marriage ended, I became a self proclaimed hermit. I stayed within a small circle of people and didn’t step out of my comfort zone. 

Currently, I can’t even put into words how bad my anxiety is. I’m short tempered. I’m emotional. I’m sure I’m doing every thing wrong. 

But for once, I’m putting all of this out for you to read. If anyone’s reading.  This is so very far out of my comfort zone that my stomach is in knots just thinking about it.  

Let’s talk. Every day. Not just today. 

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

snowy tuesday thoughts

“Do good and good things will come your way.”
“What goes around comes around..”
“Smile, forgive & let karma take care of the rest.”

I woke up this morning to a snowfall, which always puts a smile on my face.  There’s something about the calm quiet that comes with an early morning snow, the fresh coat of white that blankets the slush, grey of January that makes me feel very much at peace.

That got me to thinking about fresh starts.  Karma.  The notion that if you’re a good person, good things will come your way.  I wish I believed in that.  I like to think I’m a good person.  Most of the time.  So it’s hard to watch good fortune com e to all those around me, while I just go through the motions of struggling through the days.  While I believe that the life we live shapes us, forms us, makes us or breaks us, a person can only take so many negative things until eventually that strength is threatened.  I say all the time how blessed I am that I’m surrounded by good friends, a wonderful family, and I know I’m blessed to have a roof over my head, and food on my table.  So what’s missing?  God, I wish I knew.  There’s just this feeling of the little rain cloud over my head, telling me I could be doing better, that I’m just not quite good enough. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I know that everyone has their trials and tribulations.  Illness, abuse, hunger, financial worries.  We all have our experience with these things.  And if you haven’t been touched by any of those, you are a lucky soul.  Truly.  I’ve battled most of these things, and I know I’m a strong person.  But this strong person feels very near the edge of breaking.  So when that happens, who’s there to pick up the pieces?

Monday, January 22, 2018

love of the truest kind

There’s not much I’m prouder of than the 2 little boys I share my world with.  My sons are the best part of me.  It’s funny, I never pictured myself as a so-called “mom of boys” before I had children.  But now, I can’t imagine any different scenario.

My house is messy, loud, full of hockey sticks, a never ending supply of fart jokes, and wrestling.  My house is also full of laughter and love.

I think that being a single mom is giving me an interesting outlook on how to parent these little boys.  To turn them into strong men, who will be able to cook, clean, take care of bills, all while being kind, caring, thoughtful & loyal.  There’s a certain perception of someone being a Momma’s boy.  It’s a special bond between a mother and son.  I will forever be their biggest fan, the loudest one in the stands cheering them on, beaming with pride at their accomplishments.  But in return, the fierce love and protection that my sons offer me give me hope that I am raising kids that I hope will turn out to be wonderful husbands, fathers, and members of whatever community it is that they end up settling down in.

I just hope that these boys will grow up to be as proud of me as I am of them.

“Raising boys is an honour & an adventure”

Thursday, January 18, 2018


The spiciness of a good red wine, the sound of rain on the windows, the calm quiet that accompanies a nighttime snowfall.

I have been noticing lately that I'm far more aware of things around me.  My senses are either getting sharper or I'm just taking time to enjoy things a little more.  For the most part, life's pretty good these days.  It isn't easy, but it's good. 

As always, there's music playing around in my mind, and lately this song has been hitting pretty close to where I think I am in life. :)

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

life & love

So for the last couple of days, I've been meaning to write a post.  And for the last couple of days, I've stared at a blank page.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about regret.  That started the wheels spinning.  Then this morning, I woke up remembering that today marks 3 years since my grandmother passed away.  And so here I am - with a multitude of things running around in my mind.

Some of my fondest memories of my childhood were spent with my grandmother.  Summers at the camper, Blue Jays games, road trips,WWF wrestling, green fingernail polish, and so many other things come to mind when I think of that lady.  She was a ball of fire, and I know how proud she'd be of the choices I've made in my life - even if other people disagree with some.

I know she'd be proud of me because I made the choice to be happy.  To live life.  To not settle for less than best.  This brings me to the conversation surrounding regret.  I don't live with that.  I try to think of everything as a life lesson.  The things I've been through, the decisions I've made - they've all made me into the person I am today.  Sure, I've done some things I'm not proud of.  We all have.  But if at the end of the day, I can sleep at night, and smile during the day, I'm doing something right.  Something I know my Nan would be proud of.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Patience is Key... I guess

I've written quickly about the end of my marriage... and touched on single life in my mid-30's.  And so begins the saga of the dating world at this juncture. 

I've been lucky enough to have had a couple of relationships in the last 2+ years, both with wonderful men who I'm thankful I'm still able to count amongst my circle of friends.  However, unfortunately, I find myself back in the pool of singles.

Do you know how hard it is to meet someone when you aren't either in school or barhopping?  After taking some time to heal my heart after the end of my last relationship, I find myself looking yet again.  So, what do you do?  You join the online dating scene.  For someone like me, who's not good at seeing the positive things about myself, it's very difficult to come up with a "profile".  For me, it's hard to come across as someone fun, confident & interesting, when really, I'm just a normal single mom who works hard to take care of my kids and myself.

However, I made the big step, did the best I could, and now let the internet gods take control.  Ugh.

Monday, January 08, 2018

theme songs

I've always been a believer in the power of music.  There's a song for every mood, every moment, every part of our lives.  For every beginning, every ending, and everything in between, I'm able to find music that fits that part of me.

During a wine filled conversation a few weeks ago, this exact topic came up.  I've always related to the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks.  And before you think horribly of my personality because of what the connotation of that word is - have a look at the chorus lyrics of that song:

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I always related to this song - even when I was younger.  But as I get older, it rings more and more true.  It hits every level of what it means to be me.  Just because I call this my "theme song" however doesn't mean that there aren't hundreds more songs that I relate to.  Turn on any song and you will find some relation to something in your life.  Turn it up, sing it loud, and enjoy.