crystal's little corner

i'm having a hard time lately coming up with ideas to blog about.  things are relatively easy and quiet with my life these days.  which is very unsettling for me. so today, it's not much of a post.  more of a check in.  to remind myself of the things i've gone through. the things i've done. this blog really has become a place of reflection.  i go back and read the early posts.  how naive, and silly i sounded in my 20's.  to how sad and jaded i became after the loss of my beautiful daughter.  to where i am now.  a divorced mom of two boys, in the midst of her 30's, learning to love again. life's short my friends.  love hard, laugh a lot, take in the beauty of every day, no matter how hard it is to find it sometimes. 

It's been a week of not so great news.  Too much sadness, chaos, and worry.  It's easy to get lost in thoughts of what is wrong, what could go wrong.  And with all of this, as you might be able to tell from my previous posts, it sends my head spinning in 20 different directions. Yesterday at work, someone told me that they always looked forward to seeing me come through their office door, because I always had a smile on my face.  That I was able to brighten their day.  This got me thinking - do I come across as fake?  Lately, I'm generally ok with where things are with life.  My kids are happy & healthy.  I have a wonderful circle of friends.  I've met a great guy, who I'm slowly letting in. But yet with all these positive things, there is always an undertone of sadness.  Anxiety.  Stress.  I'm the type of person who tends to expect the worst.  Maybe by expecting the worst, I'm not disappointed as often.  Yet,...

i'm not much of a big believer in things happening for a reason. mostly i believe that we meet people for a reason. sometimes this takes you by surprise.  you might turn a casual acquaintance into a lover, who turns into a wonderful friend.  someone who you didn't know at all yesterday might become one of the most important people in your life.  and sometimes, people become strangers.  it's hard to imagine that someone who 6 months ago was the most important person in your life can become someone "you used to know". i don't even know where i'm trying to go with this today.  i was listening to a song, that reminded me of one of those important friends today.  someone who no matter how our relationship changes, i hope that no matter how the course of our lives change, or who comes into our lives, that we will take those changes and let them intertwine together, so you're always one of the first i want to tell my important to. I never thought that...

Today is Bell’s Let’s Talk day. If you are reading this from somewhere else, or are currently residing under a rock, its an initiative to bring awareness and raise funds for mental health. Mental health. It’s a tough subject.  No one wants to admit to having a problem. Suffering silently until sometimes it’s just too much to handle. Unfortunately, I know far too many people who have lost this battle.  I’m the last one to talk about this in relation to me. But I think that to do so is an effort to be aware, make people understand, and have my voice heard. Depression. Anxiety. What I shrug off as “girl brain”. I’ve always been over sensitive to things, super emotional, who can go from laughter to tears to raging mad in a matter of seconds. I question everything and everyone around me. I worry about how I look, what people think, if people like me. I consistently think people are talking negatively about me. That everything that’s not perfect or doesn’t go according t...

“Do good and good things will come your way.” “What goes around comes around..” “Smile, forgive & let karma take care of the rest.” I woke up this morning to a snowfall, which always puts a smile on my face.  There’s something about the calm quiet that comes with an early morning snow, the fresh coat of white that blankets the slush, grey of January that makes me feel very much at peace. That got me to thinking about fresh starts.  Karma.  The notion that if you’re a good person, good things will come your way.  I wish I believed in that.  I like to think I’m a good person.  Most of the time.  So it’s hard to watch good fortune come to all those around me, while I just go through the motions of struggling through the days.  While I believe that the life we live shapes us, forms us, makes us or breaks us, a person can only take so many negative things until eventually that strength is threatened.  I say all the time how blesse...

There’s not much I’m prouder of than the 2 little boys I share my world with.  My sons are the best part of me.  It’s funny, I never pictured myself as a so-called “mom of boys” before I had children.  But now, I can’t imagine any different scenario. My house is messy, loud, full of hockey sticks, a never ending supply of fart jokes, and wrestling.  My house is also full of laughter and love. I think that being a single mom is giving me an interesting outlook on how to parent these little boys.  To turn them into strong men, who will be able to cook, clean, take care of bills, all while being kind, caring, thoughtful & loyal.  There’s a certain perception of someone being a Momma’s boy.  It’s a special bond between a mother and son.  I will forever be their biggest fan, the loudest one in the stands cheering them on, beaming with pride at their accomplishments.  But in return, the fierce love and protection that my sons offer me ...

The spiciness of a good red wine, the sound of rain on the windows, the calm quiet that accompanies a nighttime snowfall. I have been noticing lately that I'm far more aware of things around me.  My senses are either getting sharper or I'm just taking time to enjoy things a little more.  For the most part, life's pretty good these days.  It isn't easy, but it's good.  As always, there's music playing around in my mind, and lately this song has been hitting pretty close to where I think I am in life. :)

So for the last couple of days, I've been meaning to write a post.  And for the last couple of days, I've stared at a blank page. Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about regret.  That started the wheels spinning.  Then this morning, I woke up remembering that today marks 3 years since my grandmother passed away.  And so here I am - with a multitude of things running around in my mind. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood were spent with my grandmother.  Summers at the camper, Blue Jays games, road trips,WWF wrestling, green fingernail polish, and so many other things come to mind when I think of that lady.  She was a ball of fire, and I know how proud she'd be of the choices I've made in my life - even if other people disagree with some. I know she'd be proud of me because I made the choice to be happy.  To live life.  To not settle for less than best.  This brings me to the conversation surrounding regret.  I don...

I've written quickly about the end of my marriage... and touched on single life in my mid-30's.  And so begins the saga of the dating world at this juncture.  I've been lucky enough to have had a couple of relationships in the last 2+ years, both with wonderful men who I'm thankful I'm still able to count amongst my circle of friends.  However, unfortunately, I find myself back in the pool of singles. Do you know how hard it is to meet someone when you aren't either in school or barhopping?  After taking some time to heal my heart after the end of my last relationship, I find myself looking yet again.  So, what do you do?  You join the online dating scene.  For someone like me, who's not good at seeing the positive things about myself, it's very difficult to come up with a "profile".  For me, it's hard to come across as someone fun, confident & interesting, when really, I'm just a normal single mom who works hard to take care of...

I've always been a believer in the power of music.  There's a song for every mood, every moment, every part of our lives.  For every beginning, every ending, and everything in between, I'm able to find music that fits that part of me. During a wine filled conversation a few weeks ago, this exact topic came up.  I've always related to the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks.  And before you think horribly of my personality because of what the connotation of that word is - have a look at the chorus lyrics of that song: I'm a bitch, I'm a lover I'm a child, I'm a mother I'm a sinner, I'm a saint I do not feel ashamed I'm your hell, I'm your dream I'm nothing in between You know you wouldn't want it any other way I always related to this song - even when I was younger.  But as I get older, it rings more and more true.  It hits every level of what it means to be me.  Just because I call this my "theme ...

Last night, while surrounded by the sound of laughter, chatter, and the noise that comes from a gathering of people, I got lost in my own mind for a few minutes. Reflecting on the year that has come to an end. Of the experiences and people who made 2017 what it was. It was a year of ups and downs - new friendships, relationships that came to an end, and challenging myself to try new things and go new places. I’m truly blessed to be able to have the freedoms I do, and the people that are in my life are truly wonderful. Granted, 2017 was not without its sadness.  I struggled with some health issues, family troubles and not accomplishing certain personal goals that I had set for myself.  I always find the idea of a new year kind of intimidating. People set themselves resolutions and most don’t accomplish those goals.  There is this incredible pressure that I always put upon myself to do just that.  I’m going to try and go into 2018 without that pressure on myself. I wan...