crystal's little corner

so.. i'm not typically a food bloggie, but this meal was TOO awesome not to share! last night, we had blue, white, and red new potatoes, yellow & green beans, and carrots, all fresh from the garden! along with a nice bbq steak, it was an awesome meal, and very pretty & colourful!

I might hate packing, but I LOVE, LOVE unpacking a new place. It's all about fresh starts from now on. Tears will be looked at as hugs from heaven, and I was given some wise words from one of the lovely ladies that I have been talking to from a online support group. It puts a whole new spin on things. Jenna is the birds singing in the trees, sunshine filtering through the trees, and the butterfly you see fly by. :) All the beautiful things in life.

got all moved in.. a bigger update will follow. last night i had to walk out of a restaurant after seeing a little girl walk by hand in hand with her mom. she looked so much as i pictured jenna to be at that age. i got right short of breath, and it felt like someone had stepped on my heart. BOOM tears. oh well.. mom, dad adn mark to the rescue, and i was ok in a few minutes.

boxes, boxes and MORE boxes!!! and just cuz i'm proud of it.. my first harvest from my first garden :) there's more there, but this is a small sampling of what i may get out of it before the move!

it really sucks when in casual conversation, i mention that my daughter has passed away, and people are absolutely horrified. the girl at the grocery store told me how great my necklace was, and asked what the charms meant. there is a charm for each of the kids with their birthstones, and jenna's has an angel wing attached. sooo, i told her that my daughter had passed. then, i donated a bunch of stuff to a yard sale for a local fundraiser. the woman congratulated me on the baby (having known i was pregnant), and i told her that jenna was stillborn. she also, looked horrified. both of these things happened within a half hour of each other. i wish people could talk to me about her without getting that look on their face. i'm ok with talking about jenna. i actually feel better for the talking that i've done. i've found some amazing resources online using social networking sites, and message boards. i've also met some other amazing angel-mommies who have been ab...

alex is gone to his nanny & popeye's for the week. mom offered to take the boy to give me a break to get some packing done, and give my hubby and i some much needed time together. i know that mom and dad are enjoying every minute of the time they have with alex, but it's making me crazy because i havent' been away from alex except for one night since i have been out of the hospital. on top of everything else, mark and i have not spent any amount of time together, and when we do, we tend to have a fight. rather depressing. so i think that it will do us some good to have the time together. i know that we won't fall apart, but i sure do miss my easy going, laid back hubby who loves to laugh and joke. tomorrow is a full out packing day. the move happens on saturday. i can't quite believe that august is already over. i didn't get to enjoy much of it, but this move will be good for all of us.

Today started out on a great note. I was feeling good, my cold is on the mend, and I had sent Alex to the sitter today so that I could get some work done on the move. I got some of the work done, and then, like a freight train, the sadness came bearing down on me. I shed alot of tears, and got alot out. I just hate feeling so sad all the time. I miss when I used to be happy. I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on, and act strong that when I do fall apart, I feel like a total wreck. Oh well.. that's the bad part I guess.

today we packed up and went to upper clements park with mark's sister & her family.. the 7 of us had an absolute blast!!

so, as i mentioned, yesterday was my due date and the setting of jenna's headstone. i didn't want to have the day come and go without acknowledging it, so me, hubby, alex and the in-laws all took helium balloons to the cemetary with notes tied to them, and sent them to "heaven". it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. only one hurdle left to get over. we made a donation in both kid's names to the hospital foundation here. when you do that, they engrave metal handprints with the kids names and birthdates, and mount them on the wall on the mat floor. i got the call on thursday that the hands are done, and i could bring the kids over to have their pics taken with them. so, i then had to explain to the woman that alex would be having his done with both of them, and jenna wouldn't be coming. so, that's on tap for wednesday. i know i'm not typically a picture posting kind of bloggie, but i think today's a good day to start. the balloons...

Tomorrow is my due date. Jenna's headstone is arriving tomorrow. Coincidence?

I can't even believe that six weeks has passed. For time that felt like it was standing still, it sure has flown by. I had my six week postpartum appointment today. After the always super fun internal & pap test (sorry boys!), I had a talk with the doctor and RN about when we could try again. I've been told to start taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins now so that I may not get so sick if/when I get pregnant, as compared to my pregnancy with Jenna. Basically, there's no reason physically that we couldn't start trying right away, they've just suggested waiting for a period to come so that they can accurately date a pregnancy. Mark & I are seriously considering trying as soon as I get my first period. I don't want to wait a long time in case it takes us awhile to get pregnant. However, I also am afraid of what will happen when we do get pregnant. Will they think that we're rushing into it? Will they think that we're trying to replace or...

i haven't shed a tear today. it feels strange not to have cried today. i did go through all the baby stuff in the basement today, and still no tears. maybe the fog is starting to lift. i've decided that on friday, which is my expected due date, i'm going to pick up 3 helium balloons, and mark, alex & i are all going to go to the cemetery and let them go, with notes attached. i need to acknowledge the day somehow, and i don't know how to do it. so sending a note to my angel is the only way i can think to do it.

this weekend was the easiest one that i've put in since the beginning of july. mom was here, and we spent a great couple of days. eating, shopping, beaching, bingo (!) & packing up the house. i can honestly say that i've only shed tears twice since friday night. once because there was a lot of wine consumed, and second because of the extremely pregnant lady at the beach. this week is a busy one.. doctor's appointment for my 6 week post, hair appointment, work, a trip to hatfield farms, and MORE packing. we did start moving some stuff up to the new place. it's going to be great to have a fresh start. i'm really, really looking forward to the move.

so, i am normally a pretty mellow-jello kind of person but there are certain things that just tick me off. i HATE waiting on other people. if you say you're going to do something, do it. if you say you're going to be at my house in 20 minutes, please freakin' be here. i HATE HATE HATE living my life on someone else's time. ok. rant over. what are your pet peeves?

so, i am normally a pretty mellow-jello kind of person but there are certain things that just tick me off. i HATE waiting on other people. if you say you're going to do something, do it. if you say you're going to be at my house in 20 minutes, please freakin' be here. i HATE HATE HATE living my life on someone else's time. ok. rant over. what are your pet peeves?

i went to work today. it was hard, but i survived. i work for an incredible place that has been more than understanding about what we went through. they have been incredible. from organizing the catering for the reception, to giving mark a month off with pay, to getting us a hand carved urn for jenna's ashes, i couldn't ask for a better workplace. it was really nice to be back to be around my co-workers, but hard to face my regular customers. i teared up a couple of times, but nothing that a walk away didn't cure. right now i'm in organizing mode for the move... and its' race week in chester so i'm sticking close to home.

tomorrow marks my first day back to work since july 6th. i'm nervous about going back and facing customers who still don't know what happened, but very much looking forward to it at the same time. i love my job, and can't wait to get back to a routine. i'm only going back one day a week until october, and then will be back full time october 4th. we are very fortunate here in canada to still be entitled to 15 weeks of maternity leave after a pregnancy loss after 20 weeks. there are no available earnings so they will deduct whatever i make dollar for dollar but it's worth it to go back to work. i could stay off until the beginning of november on mat leave, and then if i wanted to, take an additional 15 weeks of sick leave, but i want to get back to work so that i can start building up my hours again so when we start trying for another baby, i can re-claim maternity leave. will let you know how it goes tomorrow. i'm doubtful that i'll sleep much tonight t...

today was a bittersweet day for birthdays. my niece turned 10 today. 10 on the 10th, in 2010. talk about a golden birthday :) i hope she had a wonderful day filled with all the things that are important at 10 years old. auntie crys loves you abby paige. today is also jenna's one month angel day. it was a good day to keep myself busy, so i didn't focus too much on it, and didn't make it a big deal. packing sort of dominated the day, but we did go to bridgewater and do a little bit of shopping. alex asked if he could buy his baby sister some flowers, so i took him to the superstore and let him pick out whatever he wanted. he chose red gerber daisies. i don't know what brought it on, but it seemed fitting that the first time he wanted to buy something for jenna, that it came on this day. i cannot believe a whole month has passed since i held my baby girl. it's been one heck of an emotional roller coaster. it didn't kill me, so i must be stronger. xo

what a nice evening.. hubby had the house cleaned and pizza on the table for supper when i got home... then i took a long walk with marcie, came home to settle in for a good hour of funny tv and a glass of wine. mark's off tomorrow, which i hadn't expected, so we're going to get a jag on with the packing, before heading to bridgewater for some shopping and our niece's 10th birthday dinner. should be a good way to spend the day.

10 years ago today, i went on my first date with my hubby. it's amazing how time goes by. lucky for him, i still think he's cute and funny and wonderful.

today marks one month since i found out i'd lost my girl. about this time, on july 7th, i was on my way home to pack a bag and head back to the hospital to be admitted. i spent the day playing with my kid, spending time with a good friend, and then took myself to outpatients. i have a case of laryngitis that morphed into a nasty throat thing. so now i'm on antibiotics.

dad got out of the hospital, so i picked up and came home for the weekend. didn't do much today, took a quick trip to amherst, stopped at my bro's for a visit, had supper, and then took a trip to the park for alex to have a swim and play at the playground. i didn't have too bad of a day, a few tears but that's all. mom brought me a bracelet home from ontario that's engraved with jenna's name. it's a little easier and more discreet to wear then the heart necklace i was given in the hospital. i keep that one with me all the time, either on my neck or in my pocket. rip angel girl. i miss you.

just a quick update for today... we got the new place and are moving this month.. soooo excited. i love this little house, it has a ton of good memories for us. it's the first place i brought alex home from the hospital, first steps, first words, first everything for him. it's also full of not so good memories right now. the worst part of the packing stuff is that i have to tackle the room full of baby stuff. oh well. it'll be worth it for a fresh start, 3 bedrooms, and 2 bathrooms :)

i got my maternity photos back today. we had them taken on july 7th. it was only a couple of hours later that we learned we had lost jenna. the photos are all gorgeous, and i'm thrilled to have them as a memento. however, the irony hit me that as the 3 of us posed for all these photos with smiling faces, my sweet girl was slowly dying inside me. breaks my heart. they are too beautiful not to share at least one, so i will leave you with that today. photo taken by: heidi frausell http://www.hfphotography-heidi.blogspot.com/

today i had a crappy morning. another call from the obs clinic, a couple more sympathy cards, and in the mail, a brochure from a support group here in bridgewater for mother's who have lost children. i wondered all along if there was a support group, and now that i have the information, i don't know if i can face going to one. makes it seem that much more real. that seems silly, but maybe i'm just not brave enough to put a strong face on and go in and discuss things with a bunch of strangers. after i spent the morning crying, i picked up and left for the beach again. thank goodness for good weather. alex loves being at the beach because he can play, and i feel so much better when i'm there. i always have loved the beach, and this seems to be a huge part of my healing. it's just too bad that every time i go to the beach i'm surrounded by pregnant women and baby girls. after coming home from the beach we went and looked at a house. it's just across th...

so, i spoke to the ob today. autopsy results are back and just like we expected, nothing that we didnt' expect. jenna's cord was around her neck and it was just an unfortunate circumstance that caused us to lose her. i did speak to him about what would happen if we opted to try again. he said that there is nothing to prevent us from doing so, and that my next pregnancy would be a little more closely monitored for baby growth & movement but nothing too extensive since this was really just a horrible accident. mark and i have talked about it, and i don't want to wait very long to try again. we've decided that we will wait until november/december to try again. luckily we don't have a hard time getting preggo, and hopefully that will be the case again. i just want to make sure that i avoid having a due date in july or august, so that i'm not due near jenna's birthday or EDD. my due date is not that far off, and i really want to do something to recogni...

time to look forward. sometime this month, i would expect to see jenna's headstone arrive, and i need to get past my due date of the 20th. other than those two things, it's all about moving forward. the doctor called on friday with news on the autopsy. nothing unexpected, so it was definitely a cord accident that robbed us of our girl. the good news is that there should be nothing from preventing us from trying again. i have to call him tomorrow to confirm all of this, but at least nothing genetic was to blame. i can't wait to try again for another baby, i just want to make sure that when we do start trying that we try to plan so that we aren't expecting around either jenna's birthday or due date. i'm so thankful to have set this blog up. its been a great source of comfort for me to be able to put my words out there, without having to worry about upsetting people around me. i fiind that talking about what happened is very helpful. i don't want to ...