crystal's little corner

so, i have to pull it together enough to take spiderman out on the town trick or treating.. all the while trying not to think of the fact that if we hadn't lost jenna, i'd have a little princess or lady bug to take out with him. i'm really not enjoying holidays this year.  it takes just about all i have to pull it together enough for alex.  usually, by now, we have costumes ready, pumpkins carved & treat bags made... this year, it's a pair of spiderman PJ's, we just carved the pumpkins (at 430 on halloween day!), and a couple of boxes of chips. argh.

i have an ache in my chest. i think my heart may be broken.

I never know when the tears will hit.  It's been a few days since I had a bad day.. and I was starting to feel guilty last night that I haven't been to the cemetary in a full week, and I haven't shed any tears. That's not to say that Jenna isn't always on my mind, but I feel like I'm healing. This morning, I decided to stay for the children's portion of the church service before dropping Alex in his Sunday school classroom.  Normally, Rev. Dan is there with his overhead, and the kids sing some songs, before doing some other things.  This morning, Rev. Dan & the overhead were missing, so one of the other women stood up and led the kids in song that they know by heart.  She decided that Jesus Loves Me would be the 2nd song that she'd start singing, and I instantly dissolved into tears.  That was the closing hymn that we chose for my baby's funeral.  I cried my tears and my sweet, wonderful son dried them for me and whispered that he loved me. ...

my cousin miranda passed away last night.  she was 19.  shortly after birth, she was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and has been in a wheelchair for as long as i can remember.  miranda, you were a brave girl, who never let anything get in your way.  you were strong, beautiful, smart, and an inspiration to all of us to live life like it was our last day on earth.  i hope you are running and playing and kicking up the clouds.  i'll miss you. miranda lee august 5-october 21

this back to work thing is for the birds! i am starting week #3.  it is truly amazing how full my days are, and how quick the evenings go.  i don't know how to get everything done any more...  i was so used to having full days to do the groceries, laundry, housework, etc.. that it's taking me forever to get my groove back. so, on top of the house being in shambles, i feel like my blog is being neglected as well. i wonder if people are even still reading?  are you out there peeps? :)  we had a nice weekend with my folks here, and yesterday went to noggins farm to do the corn maze & apple picking.  it was realllly cold, but we still managed to enjoy ourselves. today at work, i met another angel mom.  she was the last person i would have expected to tell me that she'd had a loss, quite similar to mine, but with twins.  there's not alot of people that i know "in the real world" who have gone through the same thing, or something close, ...

so.. it's been 5 days since my last blog post.  there's not been alot going on in the macdonald household lately.  being back to work is making me exhausted, and other than zumba & tops, we've been sticking close to home. i'm off today, so taking the monkey to school, cleaning the house and waiting for my mom and dad to come visit for the weekend. mom is having her 3 month check up at the cancer centre.  please keep her in your thoughts & prayers today that everything still looks great. today is also international pregnancy & infant loss awareness day.  there is a "wave of light" being held at 7 pm (local time) during which you light a candle to remember these angels.  i will be lighting my candle for my sweet angel jenna.  momma loves you girlie.  i took a pumpkin, and a big pot of mums out to the cemetary on thanksgiving sunday.  i hope you liked them. These tears don't make me weak, they mean I still love you, that I remember...

this year has been one of many ups and downs.. and through it all, the one thing that has remained constant is my wonderful, and amazing family.  i am so incredibly thankful to have a strong family that i know counts on each other and has become even closer & stronger through everything. i am thankful for my husband.  he is my rock and without him, i could not have survived what i did. i am thankful for my son.  he makes me smile & laugh, even on the days when it hurts the most. i am thankful for my mother.  she is the strongest woman i know, and my best friend. i am thankful for my father.  he is a wonderful man who holds us all together. i am thankful for my brother.  a long time ago, my mom told me that i would be happy someday i had him.  those days have come.  he has grown in to a caring, sensitive man, who is a wonderful uncle and great brother. i am thankful for my in-laws.  they helped out with the practical stuff ...

so, i went back to work on monday.  this week just absolutely flew by.  between work, and a few things going on in the evenings, it was just a whirlwind.  wednesday kind of sucked, i just hit the point where i'm tired of people... talking about us, what happened, and pointing at me.  some mean well - they think they are giving their condolences, but wow, some of them reallllly need a lesson in how to do that. zumba was a joke, i was exhausted and didn't want to be there.  the car broke down.  we had a flood in the basement.  i still am having spotty internet service, and am still not back to 100% capacity with the water in the house.  so i'm spending saturday morning with my sick child, a plumber, and eastlink technicians. it's a long weekend.. turkey time :)  i'm really looking forward to the weekend (after the plumber & tech leave).  supper with mark's family at the "sheddage" tomorrow, oxford sunday & monday for some tim...

so, i know that some of you are people who have stumbled across my blog from other websites, and some of you are family members or friends who have been tipped off recently by me.  it's been a hard thing for me to do to open this up to all of you who i actually know in real life.  most of you haven't sat down with us and talked to us about what has happened, because of distance, or comfort with the subject or whatever.  it's really like opening up my brain to all of you and that scared me.  but now, i have had some feedback from a few of you, and it's been all positive for the most part.  we have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends in the last 3 months, and i am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system.  so to each of you, thank you. please feel free to leave a comment on the blog, or drop me an email, any time.  don't be afraid to talk to me about jenna.. don't owrry that you'll upset me, or mae me cry.  granted, it ma...

back to reality. started back to work full time today.. now it's work, nursery school, babysitters, and crazy. so, no real update. just a quick hello, and going to snuggle with hubby to catch up on TV.  night y'all.

i live in a house full of men.  the hubs, the kid, even the cat.  after cleaning and doing laundry for 3 hours, i went in our room, sat down on the bed, and tried to imagine what life would have been like if we had brought jenna home from the hospital and i wasn't so frigging outnumbered.  i couldn't even picture it.  i sat on that bed for about a half hour, and just talked to her picture.  maybe someday, in the not so distant future, i'll be not so outnumbered. and here we go with the other kiddo.. most of my blog writing focuses on the way i feel about what happened, and the unimaginable road of grief and healing that we are on.... but at the same time, on top of all these emotions, i still have to be a mom to the most wondeful little boy there is. so, because it was a big day... first day of preschool was yesterday.  here's my proud as punch kid.  i hope that he continues to look forward to school as much as he did this day. oh.. and we start...