crystal's little corner

there were a few tears today.  my friend and her daughter went with alex & i to the cemetary.  i've been doing alot of thinking about angels, and signs from heaven.  maybe it's what people do when they so desperately need something to show them that their loved one is around.  i'm more apt to notice a butterfly, or a rainbow.  today was no exception.  eve & i were sitting at jenna's stone, sharing some tears, and our kids were chasing a butterfly around the stone.  all i could think was, that's gotta be her way of playing with her brother.  we got in the car to come home, and there was a butterfly, flying around my window.  came home, there was another one, dancing in my front yard.  could it be?  after sharing jenna's headstone with her, eve felt comfortable enough to ask to see a picture of jenna.  she actually ended up going through the whole memory box.  we were both crying by the time we were finished, but i...

sooo, i'm going back to work a week from today.  i am so ready to get back. i'm one of those lucky people that love their job, and most of my co-workers.  :) the week is shaping up to be a busy one.  i don't know why i call it a week of lazy, because i'm rarely lazy.  wednesday night, i've signed up for a zumba class.  i'm working on thursday, and going to TOPS thursday night for WI, and my baby boy starts nursery school on Friday. i don't have much to talk about at the moment.  i'm feeling good, and enjoying some time at my mom and dad's house for a day or two.  the housewarming party was a good time... and after pretty much everyone left, we let one of our friends look at photos of jenna.  he was the first one other than immediate family (and most of them haven't looked at them yet), and her godparents to see them. 

i drank too much wine tonight. but i had a WICKED time.   and i need to plan another party.

how many milestones can there be? yesterday i went to visit with my friends A&B... they are the proud parents of Abbey Grace who is mentioned in a post from earlier this month.  she was my first face to face with a baby since letting my angel girl go.  i held her, snuggled her, and drank her in.  and i didn't cry.  so there!  i think jenna must have been there helping her momma be strong ;) after leaving, cat & i went for some retail therapy.  is there anything better than clothes & candy apples to make a girl feel better?  i didn't think so.  until i came home.  i decided to plow myself forward and go for a walk (at just over 5 lbs to go until goal, i need all the motivation i can get!), walked up to where hubs was working, and we decided to treat ourselves to a dinner out since we don't have our boy here for the weekend.  so, we came home, cleaned up and went to the fo'c'sle for supper.  it was great!  and ju...

yesterday was dark. i was angry.  angry at the world, people, smiles, God.  i wanted my baby back.  it's been the darkest day in weeks.  i couldn't stop yelling, crying, and throwing things around the house.  i ended up making a trip to the doctor to pick up a form for nursery school for my boy and she took one look at me and pulled me in the office.  she finally gave me something to help me sleep (my sleep patterns are HORRIFIC) and on the days when i'm tired, i fall deepest. anger.  it's such a strong emotion. my chest had what felt like the world's biggest knot in it... i physically was drained.  my eyes hurt from crying.  and worst of all - i couldn't help but be angry at some of the people i care about most.  they have healthy kids (so do i, but somehow that escaped me), they were too busy with their own lives to check in on me, and why, WHY, WHY, would anyone tell me that it was "God's plan" or "for the best".  why, WHY woul...

So, I should have posted this on Saturday, which was actually the monkeys' birthday, but things were just too busy, as you can tell by the post below. Alex, I'm so proud to call you my son.  You are a smart, considerate, handsome little man, who brings the greatest joy to my life.  You are the reason I get out of bed in the morning, and the reason that I kept going through the dark days of summer after we lost your sister.  She would be so proud of you for doing all you can to keep Mommy happy.  Daddy & I love you so much, that sometimes I don't even know how to put it in to words. I love you all the way to the moon buddy.  And I know (because you tell me too!), that you love me all the way back. 

what a busy, busy weekend! TOPS was thursday night.. i'm now down to 5.75 lbs away from goal..can't believe how close i'm getting, but i've been workin' my butt off to get it, so i am soo happy to finally see some results. friday night, we hosted a birthday dinner for my brother in law.  ten people for a bbq, all kinds of fun. saturday was my boy's birthday, he turned 4.  time sure flies.  i was hoping to do a post on saturday about him, but there was just no time!  i ran errands for the big birthday party, and then had to go to a suprise party for my mother in law saturday night. did i mention that my folks also came down?  with a FAB surprise.  they have decided that after the year of hell that they have gone through, to treat themselves to something special.  a 2010, candy apple red, camaro.  it's pretty.  :D sunday was big birthday party day for alex.  he had an absolute blast, with lots of friends and family, a spiderman theme, ...

so.. thanks to lynn for an amazing fall treat.  pumpkin scones.  :)  i've been trying to find a use for all the pumpkin that is frozen from last year.. and this was just the way to use some of it up.. rave reviews from our house, and my in-laws.  i also need some input from you fellow bloggies & foodies out there.  our new place came with a mess of a garden already grown.  problem is, i'm not much of a veggie grower yet (i've put in a tiny garden at our old place, but nothing substantial).  found these growing.. do you suppose they are pumpkins?  or squash?  my guess is pumpkins.

i remember those dark days after i lost jenna.. i swore to have more patience, and be a better mom to alex. not to sweat the small stuff. what happened to that woman? my son is grating on my nerves. i have very little patience. and i just want to enjoy every minute that i have with him because time slips by too quickly. but MAN. i think i need to get back to work. i am not cut out to be a stay at home mommy. i salute anyone who can. i'm going crazy. it's a rainy day, and alex is needing to be entertained. alllll the time. so i'm googling for rainy day kids projects, and hoping for the best.

change your name? i've decided that instead of being Mommy.. i'm going to change my name to Bob. or something equally unlike Mommy. seriously.

We decided that after the great care that we received from the maternity floor & staff at SSRH while I was in having Jenna (and prior to that, Alex), that we were going to make a donation in the kids names to the floor. The hospital has a great program in place, called Hands of our Future, where when you make a donation, they engrave your child's name and birthdate on a coloured hand, and then mount it on the floor. They even give you an opportunity to bring your children over to have them mount their own handprints, and take photos for you. Alex & Jenna's handprints have been ready since just before my due date, but with the move, and all that was going on, we decided to head over yesterday to get the pictures taken: alex mounting his sister's handprint and then his own. *I also need to give a shout-out to my BFF and her hubby. They welcomed their first child, a girl, named Abby Grace on Sept 9 :) Welcome to the world sweet girl - you have your very own guardian...

a few pics of our new digs: my kitchen living room.. and my boy vegging out ;) front of house my cute little yard - which also boasts a big garden!! i am IN LOVE with the new place.. especially now that we have it mostly unpacked, cleaned and re-painted. talk about a great fresh start. there have been more laughs than cries here, more smiles than tears. i can actually feel like i'm moving forward, at a level and steady pace. i'm not mourning, i'm celebrating. i'm looking forward to the future and all it has to offer. xo

we survived.. 5 hours of no power (not so bad, considering NSP!), and spotty internet/phone for the last 36 hour or so. no major damage done to our house, or anyone we know, thankfully. some pics: looking off our back deck during the storm behind that big tree? our old house.. good time for the move! chester - post hurricane earl some floats/docks that have broken away from their homes

things have been crazy here this morning. hurricane earl is currently blowing his way across southern nova scotia, and is expected to make landfall somewhere between lunenburg and halifax. if you do the calculation, that's pretty much where we live. just a quick update before the inevitable power outage :) last night we went to bayswater beach for a swim and some family fun.. i actually felt relaxed, and managed to enjoy the time without too many dark thoughts. after we came home, we bbq'd yet again, and then my friend cat came over for the evening. we had a good long talk, and consumed too much wine. all in all, a great evening. will post again after the hurricane passes us by.. :)

hey everyone :) i see lots of new visitors in the last little while. i guess actually blogging and posting about it makes that happen. comment below & let me know who you are! :)

I can't take credit for writing this, but it's so beautiful and fitting, I needed to post it. Daddy, please don't look so sad Mommy, please don't cry Because I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies Please try not to question God Don't think He is unkind. Don't think He sent me to you And then He changed his mind. You see, I am a special child, And I'm needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him The product of your love. I'll always be there with you And watch the sky at night Find the brightest star that's gleaming That's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost That mists your windowpane That's me in the summer showers I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss upon your nose When you see a child playing And your heart gives a little tug That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart...

yesterday was an AMAZING day. i decided early yesterday morning that i had had enough of unpacking, and so loaded my kid, our stuff and i in our car and took off for river philip (where mom and dad live) a couple of days. the original plan was to come on the weekend, but due to hurricane earl tracking towards us, and a ridiculous heat wave, i came early. i spent yesterday afternoon lounging at my brother's house - he's got an inground pool - drinking pina coladas with my family and some of adams' friends, and eating pizza. we wrapped up with a quick trip to the exhibition in oxford so alex could go on some of the midway rides. all in all, it was a great day and just what i needed. today is supposed to be another scorcher, so there could be more pool time.. or maybe the beach. :)