crystal's little corner

I feel totally lost these days lately.  I love my kids and my partner.  But I’m lost.  In a house full of people I feel lonely.  I don’t know even how to explain it.  Life’s busy. Chaotic.  I’m exhausted. To the bone.  Looming is a big milestone. My 40th birthday.  Our first Christmas without my mom.  Health issues for my dad who just spent 2 weeks in the hospital.  And through it all?  I’m the constant. I’m the caretaker.  And I’m literally lost at wondering who’s going to take care of me when I break? 

 I've been trying to take myself on a journey.   I am living a good life.  I have a stable job.  I have healthy, happy children.  I have a partner who loves me.  I live in a beautiful home, and I have a small but amazing group of friends. But I feel like something is missing.  I feel like I am just putting in time - but until what?   I've been listening to this amazing podcast - this girl has the drive and passion to make me feel motivated to find a passion, to find something that I'm missing.  But I have NO idea what that is!  What makes me tick?  What drives me?  Why do I feel like I need to do something more? Howwwwww do I find that missing puzzle piece? Check out my girl Kacia if you're looking to get motivated too!  https://www.kaciafitzgerald.com/blog/ And if you have ANY idea on how to help me find that passion and drive, reach out!  Slide into my messages!

I was chatting with a friend and co-worker today about life.. how overwhelmed and unhappy I am.   She very nicely told me to give myself a break.  We are living in a new, uncertain world.  Take a minute.  Reflect on everything.  Give yourself a minute.  You aren't expected to "breeze through all this shit".   So today, I went for a walk.  I worked out.  And then I meditated.  I have never been one to do any of these things on a regular basis.  A walk, sure.  But I get bored ten seconds in.  So today, I put on some kind of "positivity" podcast and trekked for 20 minutes or so.  I felt ... ok.  Silly, but ok.   On my lunch break, I did a 20 minute workout.  It challenged me.  It made me feel more focused when I went back to my work for the afternoon.  This made me appreciate it a little more.  I could see this becoming a more regular occurrence. Then I meditated.  This....

So.  It's been a few months since I wrote anything.  I've been going through the motions.  Living life, like busy working moms do.   Pretending like life is amazingly fantastic.   But this week.  Oh this week's been a tough one.  I am finding myself in that familiar place.  Dark.  Sad.  Definitely not living my best life.  So many things are hitting me at so many different times, I don't even know how to stand on my own two feet right now. I'm crying all the time.  I'm picking fights with the man who loves me.  I'm yelling at my kids for mundane things.  I don't want to look at myself in the mirror.  I feel so terribly lonely.  Even surrounded by people all the time, I feel lonely.  Because I don't feel like anyone understands me and what I"m going through.  It's not a good look for anyone.  But I don't know how to change it.  I don't know where to start.  So I think puttin...

That might be the hardest 3 words I've ever had to say, write or read. My mom died.  Cancer took her on February 22, 2020. This is a pain that I cannot comprehend.  The worst kind of pain.  I miss her every minute.  I feel guilty when an hour goes by and I don't feel sad.  I know she wouldn't want that.  I know she'd want us to celebrate her life, be proud of her strength, and live a life worth living. But.  What happens when you lose your best friend?  She's been by my side through every single minute of my entire life.  She loved me, laughed with me, cried with me, held me in her arms as I lost my only daughter, stayed with me when my seperation happened, held my hand when my babies were born, and celebrated every single milestone in my life by my side. I used to call her every single day.  Every night like clockwork, I'd pick up the phone, dial that ever familiar number and chat.   About mundane, silly, every day thi...

i'm having a hard time lately coming up with ideas to blog about.  things are relatively easy and quiet with my life these days.  which is very unsettling for me. so today, it's not much of a post.  more of a check in.  to remind myself of the things i've gone through. the things i've done. this blog really has become a place of reflection.  i go back and read the early posts.  how naive, and silly i sounded in my 20's.  to how sad and jaded i became after the loss of my beautiful daughter.  to where i am now.  a divorced mom of two boys, in the midst of her 30's, learning to love again. life's short my friends.  love hard, laugh a lot, take in the beauty of every day, no matter how hard it is to find it sometimes.