Written Therapy

This blog has been a source of great therapy for me in the past... through the stress of a new marriage, a new baby, the death of my daughter, and then the birth of yet another boy... And now, the end of that marriage.  And learning how to parent those babies on my own.  Here's what I've learned in the last 2 years of being on my own.

My marriage fell apart.  It was not one person's fault.  There were so many contributing factors.  We both made mistakes.  We both grew up and in different directions.  We were adult enough to know that we were in a toxic place and it was not a good spot for either of us to be.

I'm raising 2 boys the best way I know how.  Some days are easier than others, some days are full of stress, anger & chaos.  But at the end of every day, there is so much love between the 3 of us, that my heart - even on my darkest days - is completely full.

I know that leaving an unhappy relationship was the right decision.  At the end of the day, I have zero doubts in my mind that I made the right decision.  Am I lonely?  Sometimes.  But you know what? I'm surrounded by people who love me all the time - my children, my family, a wonderful group of friends who no matter how sad I am sometimes always have my back. I'm truly blessed.  Although sometimes I forget that.

Its easy to get lost in the "fifth wheel" syndrome.  I have been having a hard time wanting to do things with my friends sometimes because they are all coupled up, and it's no fun being the one at the table without a partner. And because my friends are the amazing people they are, they don't see me as that tag along. They see me as me.  The same me I always was. Maybe a little more jaded, and some days, a complete train wreck.  But they love me regardless.  

I've recently started dating again.  It's a totally different ball game then I ever expected.  I've met some really great people along the way, and learned alot about what I should, and do deserve.  I won't settle for less than best this time.  I know who I am, and what I want, and that's alot different than what I knew when I was 20.  I want fireworks.  And butterflies.  I want my heart to skip a beat when he walks in the room.  I want someone who will accept and love my kids like they are his own.  I want to go on crazy adventures.  But mostly?  I want happy.

That my friends is where I am.  Where I've been.  I keep saying, and thinking, that I am going to get back to myself.  Back to what I love to do.  Starting this blog again is a step in the right direction.  I'm sure that some days this is going to get heavy.  Other times, it may be an idea I've pulled from mid air, or perhaps it will share the tale of a date gone horribly wrong.  Who knows.. maybe it will turn into a magical love story.

Until next time... stick with me.  I promise I'm going to do my best to do more writing and less crying.


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