crystal's little corner

yesterday was a little rough. i stopped at the hospital to take a thank you card to the ob staff, and then went to find out about making a donation to the maternity floor. after that, we went and picked out jenna's headstone. i am incredibly happy with the service we got from the guy at demone monuments, and am actually looking forward to seeing the finished product. we designed the stone to be exactly as we wanted. we carved an angel in the top above miss jenna's name, and the date of her sleeping arrival. underneath we put a little saying that i found in the last couple of weeks, from all the time i've spent on stillbirth support group websites. i'll leave you with that. "Some people dream of angels. We held one in our arms."

i can't believe how quick this month has gone by. it's been a blur of bad memories, and i can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. i am trying so hard to work my way through this muck, but all i can do is google and learn about stillbirths and spend time reading other people's blogs at thsi point. i feel as though my heart has been smashed into 5000 pieces. how do you come back from that? i'm having a hard time with starting what these doctors call the "grieving process". i'm so afraid that if i start coming to terms with things that i'll forget my sweet jenna. and i can't bear the thought that someday i won't remember just what she looked like, or what it felt like when she would give me a little kick in the belly. my days are so full with alex that night time is the absolute worst time of the day for me. i've also come to the realization that i can't stand to be by myself... and for anyone who knows me, you know...

i cannot quite put into words the last few days. in a nutshell, our family has suffered a huge loss, and our sweet little baby came in to the world at 34 weeks, as a forever angel. jenna's obit we found out on wednesday that there was no heartbeat. i then spent from wednesday until sunday in the hospital. my angel made her appearance at 10:58 saturday evening, in a very quick fashion . there was no time for me to have any kind of pain medication, but i'm very glad for that, since i was extremely clear headed when the time came. i spent 4 hours with jenna, and am incredibly thankful for that time with her. i'll carry her spirit with me forever, and will never forget.