crystal's little corner

helping families in need.

2011-11-29T13:32:00.001-04:00

If anyone is interested in donating toys for a toy drive, please let me know! A Few of us from our Mommy & Baby playgroup are arranging a mini toy drive. Pick up/drop off needs to be arranged before December 8, in order to be dropped off to the Second Story Women's & Children's Centre before their programming wraps up before Christmas. We can accept new, unwrapped toys, or used linens & clothing for people of all ages.

Please help us make the holidays a bit brighter for families in need! Thanks :)

Please contact me with any questions!

crysmacdonald@hotmail.com

let the festivities commence :)

2011-11-28T19:24:00.001-04:00

this past weekend, i went to moncton for an annual event - christmas at the coliseum. mom, marilyn & i go every year... it seems to be what kicks off the holidays for us :) this year, we brought along carter who was a hit with the ladies at the sale. i'm sure at least half of the 5,000 people who were there on saturday morning told me how perfect he is. duh! :) i picked up a couple of things at the sale, and a few more things during the stops we made on the way home. it seems like now, i can get my head into the holidays. the grinch is on tonight, lights are going up wednesday.

oh - and just for the monthly challenge -
saturday, i let someone go ahead of me in line to pay for tickets to get into the sale'
sunday, i told the ladies who take care of my nan in the nursing home how much i appreciate what they do;
today, i bought a box of timbits and gave them to the kids playing at the park.

one month project ;)

2011-11-25T11:09:00.001-04:00

Today marks one month until Christmas Day. In the spirit of the season, and in teaching my son that there is more to the holidays than receiving, I am embarking on a month long project of doing at least one random act of kindness each day. This is also going to get me back in blogging form!

Day One - I am donating breastmilk to a family in need :)

slumpy dumps

2011-11-18T10:02:00.001-04:00

i know i've been MIA for awhile. the last couple of weeks, i have been in a bit of a funk. i can't seem to get out of my own way, and i don't know why, really. the boys are wonderful, life is pretty good, but i'm not. i am sad, and slumpy, and just all around not thrilled.

there have been some teary eyed monster attacks the last few days, missing my girl. the days are fewer & farther between that i cry and miss jenna, but wow.. when they come, they knock me on my ass.

what do you guys do when you hit that funk? how do you get back to yourself?

AMAZING weekend

2011-10-10T18:51:00.000-03:00

I fear that this post may run long & picture heavy. But quite seriously, this was just about the best weekend EVER.

Let's start by explaining - normally we would cram two turkey dinners with both of our families into Thanksgiving. This weekend, Dad & Adam were both working backshift, so Mom decided to come hang out with Mark & I & the boys.

A couple of weeks ago, I won a prepaid Visa from DHBC, so Saturday morning dawned bright & beautiful, so we headed into the city to experience some new stuff. By the time we arrived on the waterfront, it was lunch time, so we started out with lunch at The Battered Fish. Can I just say, there isn't much better than eating deep fried haddock on a bench in the sun. :)

After lunch, we headed up to the Discovery Centre. I had only been there once before, quite a few years ago, and couldn't wait to take Alex! He had a great time, just like I knew he would. We got there just in the nick of time - they were doing an "ice cream show" in the theatre when we got there. Have you ever eaten ice cream made with liquiid nitrogen? I have. Delish.

So, after making bubbles, running races, checking out the tons of awesome exhibits, we headed for Freak Lunchbox. For those of you who are not local, I'm sorry. It totally sucks to be you. I wasn't allowed to take photos inside the store, but just imagine every candy you ever ate as a kid, plus more, stockpiled into a storefront.

We also checked out Bishop's Cellar before picking up Chinese food to bring home for supper. Thanks again Downtown Halifax. Our Big Day Downtown was AMAZING.

Sunday also was an amazing fall day. Temperatures of 25 degrees + are not normal for Nova Scotia in October, especially considering there was snow on the ground in some places just 3 or 4 days ago. Mom & I packed up the boys & headed to Ross Farm. It was a huge hit with Alex and we had a great time looking at the animals, riding the wagon, and checking out all the exhibits. We came home, BBQ'd a late supper and then roasted marshmallows & drank wine by the outdoor fireplace.

Today, Mom had to head for home. So, we spent the morning just tidying up and hanging out, but FINALLY got to have some turkey dinner with Mark's side of the family this afternoon. The kids played well, we ate an awesome turkey "lunch", and then came home to settle the kids down. A little game of touch football wrapped up the afternoon.

Now it's time to get my boys ready for the real world tomorrow, school & work are back in session!

Can hardly wait for next weekend - a late Thanksgiving with my family, and hopefully some apple picking in Memramcook!

how i spent my day :)

2011-10-04T14:24:00.000-03:00

we've been putting in a rough few days. the c-man has stopped sleeping much at night, or ever for that matter. i think maybe he's coming down with a little something, he's had a cough the last 2 days. so, the laundry & housework have been piling up around me. this morning while the little dude napped for all of 20 minutes, i flew round the house, tidying. no deep clean, but at least things are in the right rooms.

and then, lo & behold, at 11:00, he fell asleep again (maybe we're getting back on track!), i managed to fold 4 loads of laundry and create this beauty:

homemade turkey soup... with carrots from my garden :)

i also prepped for a power outage, just in case. dishes done, water boiled, bath tub filled. we are supposed to get around 80 mm of rain tonight, with up to 100 km/h winds.. better to be safe than sorry.

but most importantly, i hung out with this cute boy all morning:

next on the agenda for the day is a denist appointment for A-Mac, supper with my sister-in-law & her fam, and then Zumba class :) busy day!

my beautiful boys :)

2011-10-01T14:43:00.000-03:00

rainy day fun with my boys
alex - 5 years
carter - 3 months

sooo excited!

2011-09-27T19:53:00.000-03:00

so, yesterday i entered a contest online... to find out today that i won a $100 gift certificate from DHBC. it can be used for pretty much anything in the downtown Hali core, so we're going to put our thinking caps on and come up with a couple of ideas on what to do. i'm thinking about taking the kiddos to the Discovery Centre, and then to Freak Lunchbox for treats afterwards.

what would you do if you could do ANYTHING along the waterfront of Halifax? harbour cruise? spa? shopping? eats?

thank you Downtown Halifax. i can hardly wait to spend my big day downtown :)

the lazies

2011-09-21T16:43:00.002-03:00

i think i've turned into a sloth. i have ZERO energy these last few days.
i went to zumba last night but i didn't enjoy myself. it takes all my energy to do laundry or housework.

anyone have any ideas on how to get out of my own way????

happy birthday buddy :)

2011-09-19T08:52:00.000-03:00

after a weekend full of family, friends, cake & fun, my little boy is five :)
happy birthday bud. each year that goes by, i am more and more in awe of you!

school

2011-09-15T10:23:00.000-03:00

i cannot believe alex is old enough to start school. i started this blog before he was BORN! here are some pics from the first day :

A Scary Disease

2011-09-08T16:05:00.001-03:00

This Sunday, I am participating in the Ovarian Cancer Walk of Hope. This is a fundraiser for a cause very close to my heart.

On Christmas Eve 2009, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer after starting to feel sick around Thanksgiving. The symptoms of this disease are very similiar to menopause or PMS, and go un-noticed, or misdiagnosed far too frequently. For a person diagnosed with Stage IV, the survival rate is only around 17%. So far, my mom is feeling well after her chemo treatments & a full hysterectomy, but the chance of the cancer coming back is still strong.

There is no early detection test for ovarian cancer. A pap test DOES NOT test the ovaries. I always thought it did. The idea of how quickly my mother became sick scares me silly, and I worry all the time about whether or not I will also get sick in this way. All I can hope is to help raise awareness to the fact that there is no early testing that can be done, and help in any small way I can. So, this Sunday, I walk in honour of my mom, and in memory of those who were not so lucky.

Please take a moment to visit my fundraising page at http://tinyurl.com/3j382fp , donate if you can, and ladies, get educated about this scary disease.

lots of firsts :)

2011-09-08T13:33:00.001-03:00

This has been a pretty big week in our house. We had a first day of school, first filling at the dentist, and first needles. I had done up some pretty great collages on the software that is being given away later tonight, but the hard drive on our desktop crashed, and so I'm stuck posting from my netbook. At least I can still do this much! Pics and more details will follow a little later. I have to get ready to go pick Alex off the school bus in a couple of minutes!!

2011-09-01T13:56:00.001-03:00

i am so excited to roll out my first blog giveaway! i was approached by mymemories.com which is a digital scrapbooking software company to review their product

here's what's in it for you, my readers! you can win a full version of the software, and all you have to do is this: visit http://www.mymemories.com/, and check out the gallery. come back here & post what your favorite was.
giveaway closes september 8 - that's one week from today!

you can see from my post below some of the effects that you can do. that was just one template. i'm going to keep playing with the program, but so far, it's super easy!

2011-09-01T13:41:00.001-03:00

my beautiful family!

photos courtesy of m. blanchard - my talented SIL!

software courtesy of my memories suite

giveaway contest :)

2011-08-31T20:44:00.002-03:00

i'm super pleased to announce that there is a giveaway coming down the pipes on my blog.. stay tuned - hopefully tomorrow i'll announce!

giving back.

2011-08-31T10:20:00.000-03:00

last summer, while struggling through the grief over losing my beautiful baby girl, i came across facesofloss.com. this amazing website got me through some dark days. it helped me know that i wasn't alone and gave some great information and resources. they also have a facebook page, which, although i don't participate in actively, i still follow in case i am having "one of those days".

yesterday, i noticed a post saying that the girls who run the site were looking for volunteers to act as admins to post stories, etc. without hesitation, i sent them an email and offered to help out. once school starts, it'll just be me & the c-man here, so i figure i'll be able to take some time and do what's needed.

they were so helpful to me when i needed it most ,that i am so thrilled to be able to pay it back to them by doing this small amount of work for them. i hope any of you moms who may follow my blog, who have suffered from miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, will check it out.

fictional characters.

2011-08-24T07:02:00.001-03:00

i've been up since 245 am. i wish the sandman was real and could make my kids sleep for more than 1 hour at a time.

my house is in shambles, i want a shower, groceries & maybe a massage. is there such a thing as fairy godmothers?

this is the life of a mom struggling to find balance with my new life as a mom of 2. just 2. how do you mommas of 3 or 4 do it? you are all my heroes. cuz as of 6 am, i was ready to run away from home.

i know it sounds like i'm complaining, but i'm not. i'm thankful for every minute i have with my boys, even if they are trying out chinese torture techniques like sleep deprivation. i love their smiles, hugs, and love watching the dynamics of brothers. i cannot wait to see what the future brings them. i know that if they are crying, or not sleeping, or arguing with me, that at least they are here to do those things.

a mommy brag post.

2011-08-20T18:44:00.000-03:00

i have the cutest boys EVER.

need your help :)

2011-08-12T21:05:00.001-03:00

soo, tomorrow i'm taking wedding photos for a wonderful, old friend.
i am trying to pull together some ideas of must have shots.. what are yours?

and the verdict is...

2011-08-11T19:23:00.001-03:00

I lost 3.5 lbs this week!

I guess it worked.

tough

2011-08-10T12:39:00.000-03:00

i'm having a super hard time getting back on the weight loss train. two pregnancies in the course of 2 years left me pretty much eating whatever i want and being lazy on the exercise thing. so, i started tracking again, using loseit, and trying to walk and do some wii fit.

tonight i tackle an athletic training course in tantallon.

wish me luck, i'm afraid for my life.

finally.. some sun!

2011-08-06T08:15:00.000-03:00

the rain that's been persisting for weeks (someone, tell me, when did i move to seattle??!), has moved out for the weekend and left behind a beautiful, sunshiny saturday! and, instead of being on the beach, or doing something fun with my boys outside, i'm playing nursemaid to my #1 son who has caught a summer cold. so, it's a day of OJ, chicken soup, DS & movies for him today.

however much it sucks that i'm not outside enjoying the day, tonight when hubs gets home from work, i'm strapping on the ipod and going for a kid free walk. i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am about that prospect. it also means i can get caught up on some much needed housework. for anyone who knows me, you all know how crazy i'm getting living without the laundry done every day, floors done, and bathrooms clean. LOL!

i've also started getting back to basics on the weight loss thing. journalling, meal planning & trying to squeeze in exercise whenever i can. my sister in law turned me on to a great website to help with journalling & exercise tracking. so far, it's super helpful, and you can use it as a web service or an iphone app.

we'll see what happens at WI on thursday night.

missing things

2011-08-04T08:12:00.000-03:00

wow. didn't think i'd be saying this so soon.. but i miss work. i miss the customers, my co-workers, the challenge of working retail, all of it. most of all i miss the grown up conversation!

i never had any problems when i was off with alex. but this morning i had a total mental break. i can sense a bit of something lingering... post partum? some remnants of whatever depression set in after jenna? a bit of guilt (more on that later...)? i don't know. but i'm not a happy momma these days. however, as sad and lonely as i feel, i know that i'm doing the best thing for my boys and their beautiful faces and smiles let me know that everything i do for them is worth it.

carter's story

2011-07-19T12:12:00.000-03:00

So.. as you all can gather from having read my blog, my induction date was scheduled for June 30. I had a regular OBS appointment, and biophysical profile scheduled for June 29. Because there was an ultrasound involved, I thought it would be fun for my 10 year old niece to come with me, since she has been learning about babies, etc. in health class this year in school. Abby & I show up for the appointment, and the nurses on the floor can't figure out why I'm there that day when I'm scheduled for the following day. They make a call over to the OB/GYN on call to find out exactly what's up. At this point, it's 11:30 am. I headed downstairs to ultrasound to check on the babes, and go back up to the floor.

When we get back up to the maternity floor, the nurse hits me with "Dr. J has decided that we'll start induction today since we're anticipating a busy weekend. Are you ok with going ahead now?" My reply? "Sure, but my hubby's at work, and I have a 10 year old support person. Can you give me some time to get my ducks in a row?" I was told to go have lunch, make my phone calls, and be back on the floor for assessment at 1 pm. That was only 45 minutes away.

So, at 2 pm, with still no husband and Abby as my support person, the Dr. came in and gave me a dose of Prostin. Mark finally arrived around 2:35 with his parents who came to get Abby. At 3 pm, they came in to check me and told me that I could leave, but come back at 6 pm, unless I was in hard labour or my water had broken. So, we left the hospital, Mark's folks headed home, and Mark & I went to Walmart. I called Mom, who told me that they would be leaving as soon as they could, but it would probably be around 6 pm, as Dad was in Wolfville driving the community bus. About 4:45, I left my supper on the table at DQ because my contractions were getting too strong to deal with in public, and we went back to the hospital.

At 6 pm, Dr. Guptill came in to check me, and around 6:20, she broke my water. When she did that, things sped up quickkly, and my contractions were clocking in at 3 minutes apart. at 6:45, they called for the anethesiologist to come in to give me my epidural, and at 7:45 he showed up, and I was taken to the delivery room. He got the epi in at 8:03. Keep in mind that it takes approximately 25 minutes for an epidural to take effect... Carter kindly decided to arrive on the scene at 8:23 pm. So, for any of you keeping track, I went through the torture of having a epidural put in, and 5 minutes before it started to work, the baby came.

I had Mark's sister who had come to the hospital call my folks to find out where they were, and they were in the parking lot... so, even though they weren't there for the duration, they made it just in the nick of time to meet their newest grandbaby!

happy birthday

2011-07-10T15:17:00.000-03:00

happy birthday jenna faye.

it's hard to believe a year has passed since i saw your face, stroked your hair, and said good bye.

mommy loves you all the way to the moon... xo

a new baby boy :)

2011-07-03T11:16:00.000-03:00

just a quick update for now - this momma is tired & sore!

carter brian macdonald arrived on june 29, at 8:23 pm. he weighed 6 lbs, 15 oz, and is just as amazing as we expected him to be. i'll update again in a day or two when we get ourselves adjusted to being home!

baby week has arrived...

2011-06-27T10:02:00.000-03:00

So, it's officially baby week in the MacDonald household. Alex is over the top excited about 3 things -
1. Getting a baby
2. Spending a couple of nights with his Nana & Papa while Mommy's in the hospital
3. Getting his Uncle Adam to come visit

Good thing we've got a few things to keep us entertained over the next couple of days. Swimming lessons start today, then a haircut for Magoo, a pre-baby BBQ with my SIL & her family, and a baby appointment, soccer & more swimming on Wednesday. That is, if this baby belly of mine stays put until Thursday which is induction day.

I've been having some pretty steady contractions over the last few days but no other signs that anything is imminent.. so I'm pretty sure Thursdays' gonna be the day.

I can't believe how quick the time has gone. I've tried to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, because I know it's my last - but the back aches, sore belly & barfiness will not be missed.

oh yea..

2011-06-21T12:42:00.001-03:00

i also forgot to mention that i've become a bit of a crazy person when it comes to taking pics of my handsome son and random things around the yard... because i'm home on mat leave awaiting baby, you may end up seeing a few totally obscure shots. fair warning.

xo

time slipping by...

2011-06-21T11:58:00.000-03:00

really not much of excitement has happened in our world for the last couple of months, but things are about to get a whole lot more interesting.. we are down to NINE days until baby.. :)
we had asked the OB/GYN if there was any chance of giving me a scheduled induction date since my due date for this little busy body in my belly is exactly the day that we got admitted to the hospital last summer. she agreed that it was not an unreasonable request and scheduled us for june 30th.

things are also about to get busy for my busy boy - summer soccer, swimming lessons, and a few other things on the horizon, not to mention becoming a big brother FINALLY and starting school.

:)

life seems to be on an the rainbow side of things.. let's hope they stay that way.

an amazing thing...

2011-02-20T09:03:00.000-04:00

as some of you may know, i opted not to join a face to face support group when we lost jenna. i couldn't bear the idea being that "newbie" in the group. so, i found an amazing group of women via facebook, and am so glad that i did.

s.o.b.b.s. is currently undertaking a huge project, which is to mail out "mom of an angel" bracelets in personalized envelopes to their members, who in turn distribute them to hospitals, etc., for new moms of angels, to let them know they are not alone, and to point them in the direction of our group. in order to do this, every package costs $25 US to mail (we are currently shipping to US, Canada, Australia, and many more countries to raise awareness!). in order to help alleviate some of the costs, members of the group have been asked to create a website which gives a little info about us, and try to help with fundraising.

please take a moment to visit my page: http://www.sobbsstoriesofbabiesbornstill.com/participant/1065

:)

february.

2011-02-11T09:11:00.000-04:00

it's hard to believe how quickly time can slip away. i've not been as frequent at blogging as i was last year, but i find that with being back to work, family, and the constant worry that i feel with this pregnancy, i just dn't have as much time to sit down and let things go.

currently 19 weeks pregnant. i have my ultrasound on monday, which is awesome that i'm gonna get to see this little gummy bear on valentine's day! we've decided not to find out the baby's gender (unless it's too obvious to miss on the screen), and i'm ok with that decision. i'm having a hard time with the pregnancy, because the baby doesn't do a ton of kicking, etc, through the day and i only notice it for about an hour in the evening. it echoes of the way jenna was while she was in my belly. i don't know how many times i had told the doctors that she was a "lazy baby".

i find that my grief doesn't consume me as much as it once did. my days aren't filled with thoughts of her and tears. instead, i can talk about my sweet girl and be proud of her.

so, even though this blog will always have a touch of jenna, angels, and my thoughts about her, it won't be as driven towards that as it was in those first few months. instead, it will celebrate my WHOLE family. my smart, funny little boy, my angel baby, my rainbow, and my wonderful hubby :)

bad bloggie.

2011-01-21T07:21:00.000-04:00

So, Christmas and New Years has come and gone, and before I knew it, January was almost behind us too. Today we sit not much differently than we did when I last posted. We are still working our way through the dark, while battling the emotions that come along with this new pregnancy.

I will be 17 weeks pregnant on Sunday. I'm still having a hard time connecting to this pregnancy, I think mostly at this point because there isn't a lot of movement yet. Until that happens, I will be that paranoid, crazy, pregnant lady who can't think that anything is going right. Every one of my appointments so far has been wonderful, with a strong heartbeat, and I also have seen baby at every appointment with the small ultrasound machine that they keep in the room. So, I know that things are fine, but my mental state just won't let me go there until this baby arrives healthy & happy.

Alex is doing wonderfully. Smarter by the day, and as sweet as ever. I registered him for "big" school last week. Eeeks. How is it possible that he's old enough for that already?

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T07:13:00.003-04:00

May your day be filled with light, love & happiness. From our home to yours, have a wonderful holiday!

i guess this is christmas.

2010-12-23T17:42:00.000-04:00

in case there is no tie to post over the next couple of days, merry christmas to all of you, my friend,s family & readers who i may not know!

things have been ok.. this pregnancy is a little less "awful" than the last - with the nausea & headaches, ut still not as textbook as when i was pregnant with alex. at this point, i'm 12 weeks along, and officially past the 3 month mark. tuesday i got another ultrasound and go to see the gummy bear. the baby wasn't really cooperating for us to hear the heartbeat, so we got to see it instead :)

as for christmas, its here whether i like it or not. i'm as ready as i'm going to be. it sure isn't the christmas that i expected, i was definitely not expecting to have to pay a visit to the cemetary, but what else can i do? its so very, very unfair for us, and all the other families who have lost loved ones this year. but, on the bright side, i have one very excited little boy and that makes it a little easier to face what's sure to be a difficult holiday.

merry christmas all. much love from our home to yours.

Good-bye 29!

2010-12-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

So - today is the big day. I turn 30.

At first, I was a little frazzled by the idea of no longer being in my 20's. But then, it kind of hit me, that this is the end of the most awful year of my life. Good bye 29. Good bye to the last 12 monhs. It was only 10 days after my birthday last year that we found out Mom was sick. So, as far as I can see, things can only go up from here. Helllllllo 30. ADIOS 29!!!!!

a bit of a break

2010-12-09T05:53:00.000-04:00

so, i've been on a bit of a break from blogging. it took me a little while to adjust to the idea of being pregnant again. what a range of emotions... fear, happiness, guilt, excitement. but the guilt. oh my. i felt like i was betraying jenna's memory by having another baby so soon. i spent alot of time dealing with that, and yes, i know it's silly to think that way, but that's the mind of a grieving mom i guess.

so far, things have been not so bad with this pregnancy. i'm tired alot, and quite nauseous, but nowhere near as miserable as i was when i was pregnant with jenna.

we had an ultrasound done last thursday, and got to see the "gummy bear" as everyone has started calling it. baby was measuring perfectly at 9 weeks, and had a heartrate of 174 bpm. that was the most emotional day. the minute that i heard that heartbeat, i dissolved into a quivering mess of tears, just knowing that the last time i'd laid on that bed in that ultrasound room, the only heartbeat that i could hear was my own.

my first OBS appointment is scheduled for the 21st. i'm looking forward to it, just to get to hear that wonderful sound again.

in other news, we're embarking on a super busy weekend - christmas parties, work, appointments, and birthdays. :) stay tuned.

sunshine & rainbows.

2010-11-22T20:53:00.002-04:00

we're getting our rainbow baby.

:)

as of now, the doctors think i'm about 8 weeks along. wish us luck on this journey. i hope that you will all continue to read my blog, as it changes, a little bit, yet again. ;)

a day late..

2010-11-16T20:11:00.001-04:00

but a very happy birthday yesterday to my MOM!

my mother has shown me in the past year just what strength is. not only did she make the hardest decision, to place my grandmother in a nursing home, but she battled ovarian cancer, and WON!

mom, you have been a rock for our whole family this past year, and without you i don't know what i would do. i'm proud of you for being a fighter, and even though it was the hardest road we've taken, this year has cemented what we already knew.

you are the sticky stuff that holds us all together.

love you!!
xox

4 months.

2010-11-10T07:05:00.000-04:00

it's so hard to believe that 4 months have passed since i held my baby girl. i have been spending a lot of time looking back at my blog, and at life in general the last couple of days. it's amazing to me far the mind & body can come in that short period of time. i read back on some of my posts and think, whoa.. those were dark days.

things lately feel easier. like i can get on with things, be a good mom, wife & family member to those that i still have here. i can breathe a little easier, and i don't get that ache in my chest quite so often.

that's not to say that i don't think of jenna every day, but it gets a little easier to talk about her, look at her photo and touch her things. i have a very special guardian angel. one that couldn't be any more a part of me than if it was me, myself. she has a piece of my heart and i can never, ever forget those beautiful chubby cheeks, red pouty lips and fair, fair hair.

i love you sweet girl. i'm proud to be mom to an angel, but even prouder to be mom to you.

xoxox

rainy days

2010-11-07T16:04:00.000-04:00

i used to really, really not like rainy days.

i've always been the "get up & go" kind of person who doesn't do well sitting still for long periods of time. as most of you know, all of nova scotia has been under severe rain fall for the last couple of days. we've had a massive flood in the basement, roads are closed due to high rivers/lakes & washouts, and i've decided that i can handle the rain.

its' very soothing to listen to it.. and there's not alot of things that i find soothing any more. the beach, and now apparently, rainy days. what's better then folding laundry & cooking yummy food (turkey dinner, complete with pumpkin pie!), and watching the rain fall?

things have been pretty good lately. i almost feel human again. i think i am beginning to see the rainbow at the end of the storm.

special days.

2010-10-31T16:48:00.000-03:00

so, i have to pull it together enough to take spiderman out on the town trick or treating.. all the while trying not to think of the fact that if we hadn't lost jenna, i'd have a little princess or lady bug to take out with him.

i'm really not enjoying holidays this year. it takes just about all i have to pull it together enough for alex. usually, by now, we have costumes ready, pumpkins carved & treat bags made... this year, it's a pair of spiderman PJ's, we just carved the pumpkins (at 430 on halloween day!), and a couple of boxes of chips.

argh.

hurt

2010-10-25T17:12:00.001-03:00

i have an ache in my chest.

i think my heart may be broken.

you just never know..

2010-10-24T10:10:00.000-03:00

I never know when the tears will hit. It's been a few days since I had a bad day.. and I was starting to feel guilty last night that I haven't been to the cemetary in a full week, and I haven't shed any tears. That's not to say that Jenna isn't always on my mind, but I feel like I'm healing.

This morning, I decided to stay for the children's portion of the church service before dropping Alex in his Sunday school classroom. Normally, Rev. Dan is there with his overhead, and the kids sing some songs, before doing some other things. This morning, Rev. Dan & the overhead were missing, so one of the other women stood up and led the kids in song that they know by heart. She decided that Jesus Loves Me would be the 2nd song that she'd start singing, and I instantly dissolved into tears. That was the closing hymn that we chose for my baby's funeral. I cried my tears and my sweet, wonderful son dried them for me and whispered that he loved me.

All of you who know me in real life know that I am not a regular church goer. And my heart these days feels like it's been tested by God to it's absolute breaking point, so it is hard for me to even go and stay for that small portion that I did today. It's hard to feel like I should be taking Alex, and being more faithful because of the blessings in my life, but I can't help but be angry with God.

And that hurts.

RIP sweet girl

2010-10-22T06:34:00.000-03:00

my cousin miranda passed away last night. she was 19. shortly after birth, she was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and has been in a wheelchair for as long as i can remember.

miranda, you were a brave girl, who never let anything get in your way. you were strong, beautiful, smart, and an inspiration to all of us to live life like it was our last day on earth. i hope you are running and playing and kicking up the clouds. i'll miss you.

miranda lee

august 5-october 21

tired out

2010-10-18T19:21:00.000-03:00

this back to work thing is for the birds!

i am starting week #3. it is truly amazing how full my days are, and how quick the evenings go. i don't know how to get everything done any more... i was so used to having full days to do the groceries, laundry, housework, etc.. that it's taking me forever to get my groove back.

so, on top of the house being in shambles, i feel like my blog is being neglected as well.

i wonder if people are even still reading? are you out there peeps? :)

we had a nice weekend with my folks here, and yesterday went to noggins farm to do the corn maze & apple picking. it was realllly cold, but we still managed to enjoy ourselves.

today at work, i met another angel mom. she was the last person i would have expected to tell me that she'd had a loss, quite similar to mine, but with twins. there's not alot of people that i know "in the real world" who have gone through the same thing, or something close, really, only a couple, and it still surprises me when i meet someone who understands so fully, or is willing to ask her name, if we'd had a funeral, etc... i guess its' because she's been through it that she understands. she even told me that it was helpful for her to talk about it (some moms i've met just don't want to), and gave me her business card to send her an email any time. it was nice to get that today.

other than that, nothing going on.. unless you want to talk to me about roof shingles, vinyl siding, or brickwork. because that's what my life is full of these days!!

october 15

2010-10-15T08:22:00.000-03:00

so.. it's been 5 days since my last blog post. there's not been alot going on in the macdonald household lately. being back to work is making me exhausted, and other than zumba & tops, we've been sticking close to home.
i'm off today, so taking the monkey to school, cleaning the house and waiting for my mom and dad to come visit for the weekend.

mom is having her 3 month check up at the cancer centre. please keep her in your thoughts & prayers today that everything still looks great.

today is also international pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. there is a "wave of light" being held at 7 pm (local time) during which you light a candle to remember these angels. i will be lighting my candle for my sweet angel jenna. momma loves you girlie. i took a pumpkin, and a big pot of mums out to the cemetary on thanksgiving sunday. i hope you liked them.

These tears don't make me weak, they mean I still love you, that I remember you, and I
wish you were still here. I will gladly cry forever to never forget.

thanksgiving

2010-10-10T11:44:00.001-03:00

this year has been one of many ups and downs.. and through it all, the one thing that has remained constant is my wonderful, and amazing family. i am so incredibly thankful to have a strong family that i know counts on each other and has become even closer & stronger through everything.

i am thankful for my husband. he is my rock and without him, i could not have survived what i did.

i am thankful for my son. he makes me smile & laugh, even on the days when it hurts the most.

i am thankful for my mother. she is the strongest woman i know, and my best friend.

i am thankful for my father. he is a wonderful man who holds us all together.

i am thankful for my brother. a long time ago, my mom told me that i would be happy someday i had him. those days have come. he has grown in to a caring, sensitive man, who is a wonderful uncle and great brother.

i am thankful for my in-laws. they helped out with the practical stuff when my world was falling apart.

i am thankful for my friends. you have all been amazing throughout all we have gone through this year.

i am thankful for my co-workers, boss & job. i am one of those lucky people that love their job.

and thank you. for reading and letting me be me.

week one.. down!

2010-10-09T00:27:00.000-03:00

so, i went back to work on monday. this week just absolutely flew by.

between work, and a few things going on in the evenings, it was just a whirlwind. wednesday kind of sucked, i just hit the point where i'm tired of people... talking about us, what happened, and pointing at me. some mean well - they think they are giving their condolences, but wow, some of them reallllly need a lesson in how to do that.

zumba was a joke, i was exhausted and didn't want to be there. the car broke down. we had a flood in the basement. i still am having spotty internet service, and am still not back to 100% capacity with the water in the house. so i'm spending saturday morning with my sick child, a plumber, and eastlink technicians.

it's a long weekend.. turkey time :) i'm really looking forward to the weekend (after the plumber & tech leave). supper with mark's family at the "sheddage" tomorrow, oxford sunday & monday for some time with my family, and *hopefully* seeing some old friends for a photo session at some point!

this blog

2010-10-05T22:47:00.000-03:00

so, i know that some of you are people who have stumbled across my blog from other websites, and some of you are family members or friends who have been tipped off recently by me.

it's been a hard thing for me to do to open this up to all of you who i actually know in real life. most of you haven't sat down with us and talked to us about what has happened, because of distance, or comfort with the subject or whatever. it's really like opening up my brain to all of you and that scared me. but now, i have had some feedback from a few of you, and it's been all positive for the most part.

we have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends in the last 3 months, and i am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system. so to each of you, thank you.

please feel free to leave a comment on the blog, or drop me an email, any time. don't be afraid to talk to me about jenna.. don't owrry that you'll upset me, or mae me cry. granted, it may happen, but it's nothing to do with you, and it's part of my healing! :)

today was a good day. i had a great day at work, lots of laughs and even went to bingo tonight. :) i did have to explain what happened a few times to customers today but they were all really wonderful and understanding, and again, i realized just how lucky i am to work where i work, and have such caring wonderful customers.

like i said, a good day.

back to life

2010-10-04T19:46:00.000-03:00

back to reality.

started back to work full time today.. now it's work, nursery school, babysitters, and crazy.

so, no real update. just a quick hello, and going to snuggle with hubby to catch up on TV. night y'all.

outnumbered

2010-10-02T22:58:00.000-03:00

i live in a house full of men. the hubs, the kid, even the cat. after cleaning and doing laundry for 3 hours, i went in our room, sat down on the bed, and tried to imagine what life would have been like if we had brought jenna home from the hospital and i wasn't so frigging outnumbered. i couldn't even picture it. i sat on that bed for about a half hour, and just talked to her picture. maybe someday, in the not so distant future, i'll be not so outnumbered.

and here we go with the other kiddo.. most of my blog writing focuses on the way i feel about what happened, and the unimaginable road of grief and healing that we are on.... but at the same time, on top of all these emotions, i still have to be a mom to the most wondeful little boy there is.

so, because it was a big day... first day of preschool was yesterday. here's my proud as punch kid. i hope that he continues to look forward to school as much as he did this day.

oh.. and we start sunday school tomorrow morning. lots going on!

tears & laughter

2010-09-29T20:43:00.000-03:00

there were a few tears today. my friend and her daughter went with alex & i to the cemetary. i've been doing alot of thinking about angels, and signs from heaven. maybe it's what people do when they so desperately need something to show them that their loved one is around. i'm more apt to notice a butterfly, or a rainbow. today was no exception. eve & i were sitting at jenna's stone, sharing some tears, and our kids were chasing a butterfly around the stone. all i could think was, that's gotta be her way of playing with her brother. we got in the car to come home, and there was a butterfly, flying around my window. came home, there was another one, dancing in my front yard. could it be?

after sharing jenna's headstone with her, eve felt comfortable enough to ask to see a picture of jenna. she actually ended up going through the whole memory box. we were both crying by the time we were finished, but it was nice to be able to share all of her with a wonderful friend.

so that was the teary part of the day.. now on to the laughter:

as most of you probably don't know, this blog started out being a healthy living blog. i was really bad at keeping up with it, especially since i was really bad at staying on plan. since i started going to TOPS back in 2007, i have now lost 20 pounds, and am only 5 pounds away from the doctor's appointed goal for me. so, there's been lots of walking, wii fit, and playing with my kid. tonight i joined a zumba class with my sister in law. lots of fun... latin dance, combined with some cardio and great music.. and a ton of laughs. it was a great way to shut my brain off for an hour, and i wish it was more than just once a week!!

last week of lazy

2010-09-27T12:24:00.000-03:00

sooo, i'm going back to work a week from today. i am so ready to get back.
i'm one of those lucky people that love their job, and most of my co-workers. :)

the week is shaping up to be a busy one. i don't know why i call it a week of lazy, because i'm rarely lazy. wednesday night, i've signed up for a zumba class. i'm working on thursday, and going to TOPS thursday night for WI, and my baby boy starts nursery school on Friday.

i don't have much to talk about at the moment. i'm feeling good, and enjoying some time at my mom and dad's house for a day or two.

the housewarming party was a good time... and after pretty much everyone left, we let one of our friends look at photos of jenna. he was the first one other than immediate family (and most of them haven't looked at them yet), and her godparents to see them.

really?

2010-09-26T01:28:00.001-03:00

i drank too much wine tonight.

but i had a WICKED time. and i need to plan another party.

yet another milestone

2010-09-25T08:42:00.000-03:00

how many milestones can there be?

yesterday i went to visit with my friends A&B... they are the proud parents of Abbey Grace who is mentioned in a post from earlier this month. she was my first face to face with a baby since letting my angel girl go. i held her, snuggled her, and drank her in. and i didn't cry. so there! i think jenna must have been there helping her momma be strong ;)

after leaving, cat & i went for some retail therapy. is there anything better than clothes & candy apples to make a girl feel better? i didn't think so. until i came home. i decided to plow myself forward and go for a walk (at just over 5 lbs to go until goal, i need all the motivation i can get!), walked up to where hubs was working, and we decided to treat ourselves to a dinner out since we don't have our boy here for the weekend. so, we came home, cleaned up and went to the fo'c'sle for supper. it was great! and just as we were leaving, i heard some guy pull my hubby aside and tell him that i was lookin' HOT. i'm sorry.. it's been a LONG time since anyone said that about me.. and i have to say, what an ego boost ;)

an angry, angry day

2010-09-22T08:31:00.000-03:00

yesterday was dark.
i was angry. angry at the world, people, smiles, God. i wanted my baby back. it's been the darkest day in weeks. i couldn't stop yelling, crying, and throwing things around the house. i ended up making a trip to the doctor to pick up a form for nursery school for my boy and she took one look at me and pulled me in the office. she finally gave me something to help me sleep (my sleep patterns are HORRIFIC) and on the days when i'm tired, i fall deepest.
anger. it's such a strong emotion. my chest had what felt like the world's biggest knot in it... i physically was drained. my eyes hurt from crying. and worst of all - i couldn't help but be angry at some of the people i care about most. they have healthy kids (so do i, but somehow that escaped me), they were too busy with their own lives to check in on me, and why, WHY, WHY, would anyone tell me that it was "God's plan" or "for the best". why, WHY would God take a sweet, innocent child, who never got to take a breath, from her parents? her parents who only ever wanted to love her & take care of her??
like i said, it was a dark, dark day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!

2010-09-20T12:06:00.000-03:00

So, I should have posted this on Saturday, which was actually the monkeys' birthday, but things were just too busy, as you can tell by the post below.

Alex, I'm so proud to call you my son. You are a smart, considerate, handsome little man, who brings the greatest joy to my life. You are the reason I get out of bed in the morning, and the reason that I kept going through the dark days of summer after we lost your sister. She would be so proud of you for doing all you can to keep Mommy happy. Daddy & I love you so much, that sometimes I don't even know how to put it in to words.

I love you all the way to the moon buddy. And I know (because you tell me too!), that you love me all the way back.

crazy.

2010-09-20T12:02:00.000-03:00

what a busy, busy weekend!
TOPS was thursday night.. i'm now down to 5.75 lbs away from goal..can't believe how close i'm getting, but i've been workin' my butt off to get it, so i am soo happy to finally see some results.
friday night, we hosted a birthday dinner for my brother in law. ten people for a bbq, all kinds of fun.
saturday was my boy's birthday, he turned 4. time sure flies. i was hoping to do a post on saturday about him, but there was just no time! i ran errands for the big birthday party, and then had to go to a suprise party for my mother in law saturday night. did i mention that my folks also came down? with a FAB surprise. they have decided that after the year of hell that they have gone through, to treat themselves to something special. a 2010, candy apple red, camaro. it's pretty. :D
sunday was big birthday party day for alex. he had an absolute blast, with lots of friends and family, a spiderman theme, and presents. a great day all the way around.
i don't normally look forward to mondays, because that means hubby goes back to work, but i was not sad to see the end of this weekend. what a crazy, crazy time.

scones.. AND pumpkins (?)

2010-09-14T17:11:00.000-03:00

so.. thanks to lynn for an amazing fall treat. pumpkin scones. :) i've been trying to find a use for all the pumpkin that is frozen from last year.. and this was just the way to use some of it up.. rave reviews from our house, and my in-laws.

i also need some input from you fellow bloggies & foodies out there. our new place came with a mess of a garden already grown. problem is, i'm not much of a veggie grower yet (i've put in a tiny garden at our old place, but nothing substantial). found these growing.. do you suppose they are pumpkins? or squash? my guess is pumpkins.

rewind

2010-09-14T10:36:00.003-03:00

i remember those dark days after i lost jenna.. i swore to have more patience, and be a better mom to alex. not to sweat the small stuff. what happened to that woman?

my son is grating on my nerves. i have very little patience. and i just want to enjoy every minute that i have with him because time slips by too quickly. but MAN. i think i need to get back to work. i am not cut out to be a stay at home mommy. i salute anyone who can. i'm going crazy.

it's a rainy day, and alex is needing to be entertained. alllll the time. so i'm googling for rainy day kids projects, and hoping for the best.

ever wanna..

2010-09-12T11:24:00.003-03:00

change your name?

i've decided that instead of being Mommy.. i'm going to change my name to Bob. or something equally unlike Mommy.

seriously.

for a good cause :)

2010-09-11T09:19:00.005-03:00

We decided that after the great care that we received from the maternity floor & staff at SSRH while I was in having Jenna (and prior to that, Alex), that we were going to make a donation in the kids names to the floor.

The hospital has a great program in place, called Hands of our Future, where when you make a donation, they engrave your child's name and birthdate on a coloured hand, and then mount it on the floor. They even give you an opportunity to bring your children over to have them mount their own handprints, and take photos for you. Alex & Jenna's handprints have been ready since just before my due date, but with the move, and all that was going on, we decided to head over yesterday to get the pictures taken:

alex mounting his sister's handprint

and then his own.

*I also need to give a shout-out to my BFF and her hubby. They welcomed their first child, a girl, named Abby Grace on Sept 9 :) Welcome to the world sweet girl - you have your very own guardian angel in Jenna! I'm so incredibly happy for them, and can't wait to meet her... as bittersweet as it will be for me.

new house :)

2010-09-06T19:04:00.004-03:00

a few pics of our new digs:

my kitchen

living room.. and my boy vegging out ;)

front of house

my cute little yard - which also boasts a big garden!!

i am IN LOVE with the new place.. especially now that we have it mostly unpacked, cleaned and re-painted. talk about a great fresh start. there have been more laughs than cries here, more smiles than tears. i can actually feel like i'm moving forward, at a level and steady pace. i'm not mourning, i'm celebrating. i'm looking forward to the future and all it has to offer.

xo

post hurricane

2010-09-05T19:00:00.003-03:00

we survived.. 5 hours of no power (not so bad, considering NSP!), and spotty internet/phone for the last 36 hour or so. no major damage done to our house, or anyone we know, thankfully.

some pics:

looking off our back deck during the storm

behind that big tree? our old house.. good time for the move!

chester - post hurricane earl

some floats/docks that have broken away from their homes

hurricane

2010-09-04T10:53:00.002-03:00

things have been crazy here this morning. hurricane earl is currently blowing his way across southern nova scotia, and is expected to make landfall somewhere between lunenburg and halifax. if you do the calculation, that's pretty much where we live.

just a quick update before the inevitable power outage :)

last night we went to bayswater beach for a swim and some family fun.. i actually felt relaxed, and managed to enjoy the time without too many dark thoughts. after we came home, we bbq'd yet again, and then my friend cat came over for the evening. we had a good long talk, and consumed too much wine. all in all, a great evening.

will post again after the hurricane passes us by.. :)

lurkers

2010-09-02T11:08:00.001-03:00

hey everyone :)
i see lots of new visitors in the last little while. i guess actually blogging and posting about it makes that happen.
comment below & let me know who you are! :)

a poem for my angel

2010-09-02T11:01:00.002-03:00

I can't take credit for writing this, but it's so beautiful and fitting, I needed to post it.

Daddy, please don't look so sad
Mommy, please don't cry
Because I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies
Please try not to question God
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you
And then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
And I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him
The product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost
That mists your windowpane
That's me in the summer showers
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss upon your nose
When you see a child playing
And your heart gives a little tug
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a giant hug
So, Daddy please don't look so sad
And Mommy, please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

a GREAT day

2010-09-02T07:17:00.002-03:00

yesterday was an AMAZING day.
i decided early yesterday morning that i had had enough of unpacking, and so loaded my kid, our stuff and i in our car and took off for river philip (where mom and dad live) a couple of days. the original plan was to come on the weekend, but due to hurricane earl tracking towards us, and a ridiculous heat wave, i came early.

i spent yesterday afternoon lounging at my brother's house - he's got an inground pool - drinking pina coladas with my family and some of adams' friends, and eating pizza. we wrapped up with a quick trip to the exhibition in oxford so alex could go on some of the midway rides.

all in all, it was a great day and just what i needed. today is supposed to be another scorcher, so there could be more pool time.. or maybe the beach. :)

big garden harvest :)

2010-08-31T10:54:00.004-03:00

so.. i'm not typically a food bloggie, but this meal was TOO awesome not to share!

last night, we had blue, white, and red new potatoes, yellow & green beans, and carrots, all fresh from the garden! along with a nice bbq steak, it was an awesome meal, and very pretty & colourful!

the fun begins.

2010-08-29T20:44:00.002-03:00

I might hate packing, but I LOVE, LOVE unpacking a new place.

It's all about fresh starts from now on. Tears will be looked at as hugs from heaven, and I was given some wise words from one of the lovely ladies that I have been talking to from a online support group. It puts a whole new spin on things. Jenna is the birds singing in the trees, sunshine filtering through the trees, and the butterfly you see fly by. :) All the beautiful things in life.

got moved.

2010-08-29T08:38:00.002-03:00

got all moved in.. a bigger update will follow.

last night i had to walk out of a restaurant after seeing a little girl walk by hand in hand with her mom. she looked so much as i pictured jenna to be at that age. i got right short of breath, and it felt like someone had stepped on my heart. BOOM tears.

oh well.. mom, dad adn mark to the rescue, and i was ok in a few minutes.

what i've been up to!

2010-08-27T16:21:00.003-03:00

boxes, boxes

and MORE boxes!!!

and just cuz i'm proud of it.. my first harvest from my first garden :) there's more there, but this is a small sampling of what i may get out of it before the move!

you know what sucks?

2010-08-26T20:58:00.003-03:00

it really sucks when in casual conversation, i mention that my daughter has passed away, and people are absolutely horrified. the girl at the grocery store told me how great my necklace was, and asked what the charms meant. there is a charm for each of the kids with their birthstones, and jenna's has an angel wing attached. sooo, i told her that my daughter had passed.
then, i donated a bunch of stuff to a yard sale for a local fundraiser. the woman congratulated me on the baby (having known i was pregnant), and i told her that jenna was stillborn. she also, looked horrified. both of these things happened within a half hour of each other.

i wish people could talk to me about her without getting that look on their face. i'm ok with talking about jenna. i actually feel better for the talking that i've done.

i've found some amazing resources online using social networking sites, and message boards. i've also met some other amazing angel-mommies who have been absolute rocks for me to talk to. without them, i couldn't get through my days. if i'm upset, i can type an email, and have messages back from other moms who are, or have, gone through the exact same thing, either recently, or years ago. these women amaze me with their strength, and wrap me in their understanding. if any of you are reading - thank you. thank you so much.

one of those moms put it in perspective for me today. none of us asked for the job of being a mom to an angel, and would never want to be one. however, those angel babies give us strength, and teach us important life lessons. i've said this before, jenna taught me so much, and i'm so blessed for what she's done for me.

love you angel. i miss you every day. i'm not the only one - your dad and godfather went out and had coffee with you yesterday morning, and your godmother and i brought you flowers too. loved by so many, missed by so many.

xo

kidless

2010-08-25T21:38:00.002-03:00

alex is gone to his nanny & popeye's for the week. mom offered to take the boy to give me a break to get some packing done, and give my hubby and i some much needed time together. i know that mom and dad are enjoying every minute of the time they have with alex, but it's making me crazy because i havent' been away from alex except for one night since i have been out of the hospital.

on top of everything else, mark and i have not spent any amount of time together, and when we do, we tend to have a fight. rather depressing. so i think that it will do us some good to have the time together. i know that we won't fall apart, but i sure do miss my easy going, laid back hubby who loves to laugh and joke.

tomorrow is a full out packing day. the move happens on saturday. i can't quite believe that august is already over. i didn't get to enjoy much of it, but this move will be good for all of us.

good and bad.

2010-08-23T21:48:00.002-03:00

Today started out on a great note. I was feeling good, my cold is on the mend, and I had sent Alex to the sitter today so that I could get some work done on the move. I got some of the work done, and then, like a freight train, the sadness came bearing down on me. I shed alot of tears, and got alot out. I just hate feeling so sad all the time. I miss when I used to be happy.

I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on, and act strong that when I do fall apart, I feel like a total wreck.

Oh well.. that's the bad part I guess.

fun times with family.

2010-08-22T20:50:00.003-03:00

today we packed up and went to upper clements park with mark's sister & her family.. the 7 of us had an absolute blast!!

i survived.

2010-08-21T07:46:00.005-03:00

so, as i mentioned, yesterday was my due date and the setting of jenna's headstone.

i didn't want to have the day come and go without acknowledging it, so me, hubby, alex and the in-laws all took helium balloons to the cemetary with notes tied to them, and sent them to "heaven". it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

only one hurdle left to get over. we made a donation in both kid's names to the hospital foundation here. when you do that, they engrave metal handprints with the kids names and birthdates, and mount them on the wall on the mat floor. i got the call on thursday that the hands are done, and i could bring the kids over to have their pics taken with them. so, i then had to explain to the woman that alex would be having his done with both of them, and jenna wouldn't be coming. so, that's on tap for wednesday.

i know i'm not typically a picture posting kind of bloggie, but i think today's a good day to start.

the balloons

alex & i getting ready to go

a star for my star.

off they go

my angel's stone.

i'm so entirely thrilled with the stone, that it's hard to imagine being that happy over something so devastatingly sad.

perfect timing

2010-08-19T21:58:00.001-03:00

Tomorrow is my due date.

Jenna's headstone is arriving tomorrow.

Coincidence?

six weeks.

2010-08-17T21:10:00.003-03:00

I can't even believe that six weeks has passed. For time that felt like it was standing still, it sure has flown by. I had my six week postpartum appointment today. After the always super fun internal & pap test (sorry boys!), I had a talk with the doctor and RN about when we could try again. I've been told to start taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins now so that I may not get so sick if/when I get pregnant, as compared to my pregnancy with Jenna. Basically, there's no reason physically that we couldn't start trying right away, they've just suggested waiting for a period to come so that they can accurately date a pregnancy.
Mark & I are seriously considering trying as soon as I get my first period. I don't want to wait a long time in case it takes us awhile to get pregnant. However, I also am afraid of what will happen when we do get pregnant. Will they think that we're rushing into it? Will they think that we're trying to replace or forget Jenna? Silly to think of what everyone else will think, but that's the way my brain works.
Tomorrow is a busy day for this momma - I'm going to clean the new house, and do some more packing. In the afternoon, it's time for a mini-makeover for me :) Eyebrows waxed, then a haircut, colour & highlights. I am reallllllllllly looking forward to it.
Alex woke up through the night last night with a cold. He's been in bed quietly now for an hour or so, so hopefully we're on to a better night then we put in last night. With any luck at all, there will be a solid night sleep for all of us. I actually slept through the night for the first time since I don't know when - the night before last. I am hoping there's a pattern emerging here.

feeling weird

2010-08-16T20:54:00.002-03:00

i haven't shed a tear today. it feels strange not to have cried today.

i did go through all the baby stuff in the basement today, and still no tears. maybe the fog is starting to lift.

i've decided that on friday, which is my expected due date, i'm going to pick up 3 helium balloons, and mark, alex & i are all going to go to the cemetery and let them go, with notes attached. i need to acknowledge the day somehow, and i don't know how to do it. so sending a note to my angel is the only way i can think to do it.

ok days :)

2010-08-15T13:43:00.002-03:00

this weekend was the easiest one that i've put in since the beginning of july. mom was here, and we spent a great couple of days. eating, shopping, beaching, bingo (!) & packing up the house. i can honestly say that i've only shed tears twice since friday night. once because there was a lot of wine consumed, and second because of the extremely pregnant lady at the beach.

this week is a busy one.. doctor's appointment for my 6 week post, hair appointment, work, a trip to hatfield farms, and MORE packing. we did start moving some stuff up to the new place. it's going to be great to have a fresh start. i'm really, really looking forward to the move.

pet peeves.

2010-08-13T13:30:00.003-03:00

so, i am normally a pretty mellow-jello kind of person but there are certain things that just tick me off.

i HATE waiting on other people. if you say you're going to do something, do it. if you say you're going to be at my house in 20 minutes, please freakin' be here. i HATE HATE HATE living my life on someone else's time.

ok. rant over.

what are your pet peeves?

pet peeves.

2010-08-13T13:30:00.001-03:00

i survived.

2010-08-12T19:48:00.003-03:00

i went to work today. it was hard, but i survived. i work for an incredible place that has been more than understanding about what we went through. they have been incredible. from organizing the catering for the reception, to giving mark a month off with pay, to getting us a hand carved urn for jenna's ashes, i couldn't ask for a better workplace.

it was really nice to be back to be around my co-workers, but hard to face my regular customers. i teared up a couple of times, but nothing that a walk away didn't cure.

right now i'm in organizing mode for the move... and its' race week in chester so i'm sticking close to home.

nervous

2010-08-11T21:56:00.002-03:00

tomorrow marks my first day back to work since july 6th. i'm nervous about going back and facing customers who still don't know what happened, but very much looking forward to it at the same time. i love my job, and can't wait to get back to a routine.

i'm only going back one day a week until october, and then will be back full time october 4th. we are very fortunate here in canada to still be entitled to 15 weeks of maternity leave after a pregnancy loss after 20 weeks. there are no available earnings so they will deduct whatever i make dollar for dollar but it's worth it to go back to work. i could stay off until the beginning of november on mat leave, and then if i wanted to, take an additional 15 weeks of sick leave, but i want to get back to work so that i can start building up my hours again so when we start trying for another baby, i can re-claim maternity leave.

will let you know how it goes tomorrow. i'm doubtful that i'll sleep much tonight though.

birthdays

2010-08-10T22:07:00.002-03:00

today was a bittersweet day for birthdays.

my niece turned 10 today. 10 on the 10th, in 2010. talk about a golden birthday :) i hope she had a wonderful day filled with all the things that are important at 10 years old. auntie crys loves you abby paige.

today is also jenna's one month angel day. it was a good day to keep myself busy, so i didn't focus too much on it, and didn't make it a big deal. packing sort of dominated the day, but we did go to bridgewater and do a little bit of shopping. alex asked if he could buy his baby sister some flowers, so i took him to the superstore and let him pick out whatever he wanted. he chose red gerber daisies. i don't know what brought it on, but it seemed fitting that the first time he wanted to buy something for jenna, that it came on this day.

i cannot believe a whole month has passed since i held my baby girl. it's been one heck of an emotional roller coaster. it didn't kill me, so i must be stronger.

xo

nice night ;)

2010-08-09T20:47:00.002-03:00

what a nice evening.. hubby had the house cleaned and pizza on the table for supper when i got home... then i took a long walk with marcie, came home to settle in for a good hour of funny tv and a glass of wine.

mark's off tomorrow, which i hadn't expected, so we're going to get a jag on with the packing, before heading to bridgewater for some shopping and our niece's 10th birthday dinner. should be a good way to spend the day.

anniversary of sorts :)

2010-08-08T21:57:00.001-03:00

10 years ago today, i went on my first date with my hubby.

it's amazing how time goes by. lucky for him, i still think he's cute and funny and wonderful.

one month

2010-08-07T17:42:00.002-03:00

today marks one month since i found out i'd lost my girl. about this time, on july 7th, i was on my way home to pack a bag and head back to the hospital to be admitted.

i spent the day playing with my kid, spending time with a good friend, and then took myself to outpatients. i have a case of laryngitis that morphed into a nasty throat thing. so now i'm on antibiotics.

another day down...

2010-08-06T21:31:00.002-03:00

dad got out of the hospital, so i picked up and came home for the weekend. didn't do much today, took a quick trip to amherst, stopped at my bro's for a visit, had supper, and then took a trip to the park for alex to have a swim and play at the playground.

i didn't have too bad of a day, a few tears but that's all. mom brought me a bracelet home from ontario that's engraved with jenna's name. it's a little easier and more discreet to wear then the heart necklace i was given in the hospital. i keep that one with me all the time, either on my neck or in my pocket.

rip angel girl. i miss you.

movin' on up

2010-08-05T20:54:00.002-03:00

just a quick update for today... we got the new place and are moving this month.. soooo excited.
i love this little house, it has a ton of good memories for us. it's the first place i brought alex home from the hospital, first steps, first words, first everything for him.

it's also full of not so good memories right now. the worst part of the packing stuff is that i have to tackle the room full of baby stuff.

oh well. it'll be worth it for a fresh start, 3 bedrooms, and 2 bathrooms :)

another milestone

2010-08-04T15:00:00.002-03:00

i got my maternity photos back today. we had them taken on july 7th. it was only a couple of hours later that we learned we had lost jenna. the photos are all gorgeous, and i'm thrilled to have them as a memento. however, the irony hit me that as the 3 of us posed for all these photos with smiling faces, my sweet girl was slowly dying inside me. breaks my heart.

they are too beautiful not to share at least one, so i will leave you with that today.

photo taken by: heidi frausell
http://www.hfphotography-heidi.blogspot.com/

more beaching

2010-08-03T21:08:00.002-03:00

today i had a crappy morning. another call from the obs clinic, a couple more sympathy cards, and in the mail, a brochure from a support group here in bridgewater for mother's who have lost children. i wondered all along if there was a support group, and now that i have the information, i don't know if i can face going to one. makes it seem that much more real. that seems silly, but maybe i'm just not brave enough to put a strong face on and go in and discuss things with a bunch of strangers.

after i spent the morning crying, i picked up and left for the beach again. thank goodness for good weather. alex loves being at the beach because he can play, and i feel so much better when i'm there. i always have loved the beach, and this seems to be a huge part of my healing. it's just too bad that every time i go to the beach i'm surrounded by pregnant women and baby girls.

after coming home from the beach we went and looked at a house. it's just across the street from mark's parents house, with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, and a huge kitchen. im really hoping all goes well and we get it. then, we had dinner with my sister in law and her hubby, and then i went for a nice walk. besides the beach, walking and music have become my therapy.

i feel a bit like i'm rambling today. but it's the best way for me to get my emotions out there. i never was much for keeping up with my blog, but what an outlet. i know i've said it before but i'm SO glad that i have it.

finalized

2010-08-02T15:42:00.002-03:00

so, i spoke to the ob today. autopsy results are back and just like we expected, nothing that we didnt' expect. jenna's cord was around her neck and it was just an unfortunate circumstance that caused us to lose her. i did speak to him about what would happen if we opted to try again. he said that there is nothing to prevent us from doing so, and that my next pregnancy would be a little more closely monitored for baby growth & movement but nothing too extensive since this was really just a horrible accident.

mark and i have talked about it, and i don't want to wait very long to try again. we've decided that we will wait until november/december to try again. luckily we don't have a hard time getting preggo, and hopefully that will be the case again. i just want to make sure that i avoid having a due date in july or august, so that i'm not due near jenna's birthday or EDD.

my due date is not that far off, and i really want to do something to recognize it, not avoid it. just not sure what to do.

a new month

2010-08-01T19:05:00.004-03:00

time to look forward. sometime this month, i would expect to see jenna's headstone arrive, and i need to get past my due date of the 20th. other than those two things, it's all about moving forward. the doctor called on friday with news on the autopsy. nothing unexpected, so it was definitely a cord accident that robbed us of our girl. the good news is that there should be nothing from preventing us from trying again. i have to call him tomorrow to confirm all of this, but at least nothing genetic was to blame. i can't wait to try again for another baby, i just want to make sure that when we do start trying that we try to plan so that we aren't expecting around either jenna's birthday or due date.

i'm so thankful to have set this blog up. its been a great source of comfort for me to be able to put my words out there, without having to worry about upsetting people around me. i fiind that talking about what happened is very helpful. i don't want to forget how i felt after some time goes by, and by writing it down, i can look back on these days, good & bad and remember how excited we were for jenna's arrival, and our sadness when she was taken away.

i hope that if anyone out there is still following this blog that you don't mind the direction i've taken with it. i'm a long way from what i started out doing, which was to track my weight loss journey but life has taken a different path for us right now.

thank you for listening.

tough

2010-07-27T10:57:00.002-03:00

yesterday was a little rough. i stopped at the hospital to take a thank you card to the ob staff, and then went to find out about making a donation to the maternity floor. after that, we went and picked out jenna's headstone. i am incredibly happy with the service we got from the guy at demone monuments, and am actually looking forward to seeing the finished product. we designed the stone to be exactly as we wanted.

we carved an angel in the top above miss jenna's name, and the date of her sleeping arrival. underneath we put a little saying that i found in the last couple of weeks, from all the time i've spent on stillbirth support group websites. i'll leave you with that.

"Some people dream of angels. We held one in our arms."

time slipping by

2010-07-25T17:05:00.003-03:00

i can't believe how quick this month has gone by. it's been a blur of bad memories, and i can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

i am trying so hard to work my way through this muck, but all i can do is google and learn about stillbirths and spend time reading other people's blogs at thsi point. i feel as though my heart has been smashed into 5000 pieces. how do you come back from that?

i'm having a hard time with starting what these doctors call the "grieving process". i'm so afraid that if i start coming to terms with things that i'll forget my sweet jenna. and i can't bear the thought that someday i won't remember just what she looked like, or what it felt like when she would give me a little kick in the belly.

my days are so full with alex that night time is the absolute worst time of the day for me. i've also come to the realization that i can't stand to be by myself... and for anyone who knows me, you know how much i love my time to myself.

dear jenna,
i love you. i know that you would have been loved by everyone who met you. because i've seen just how much people cared about you before you even got here. i love you sweet girl. i won't forget you. ever.
love,
mommy.
xox

the hardest thing...

2010-07-14T16:41:00.003-03:00

i cannot quite put into words the last few days. in a nutshell, our family has suffered a huge loss, and our sweet little baby came in to the world at 34 weeks, as a forever angel.

jenna's obit
we found out on wednesday that there was no heartbeat. i then spent from wednesday until sunday in the hospital. my angel made her appearance at 10:58 saturday evening, in a very quick fashion. there was no time for me to have any kind of pain medication, but i'm very glad for that, since i was extremely clear headed when the time came. i spent 4 hours with jenna, and am incredibly thankful for that time with her. i'll carry her spirit with me forever, and will never forget.

in a nutshell...

2010-05-29T07:50:00.002-03:00

the last few months have absolutely flown by! i'm suffering the pregnancy from hell.. still taking the anti-nauseant pills, still suffering migraines! we have decided to not find out the sex of the baby, so it'll a surprise to all of us .

mom has now completed all her chemo, and had surgery. GREAT news... she is cancer free!

just a quick update, and i leave you with a belly pic... taken on victoria day.

crystal's little corner

helping families in need.

let the festivities commence :)

one month project ;)

slumpy dumps

AMAZING weekend

how i spent my day :)

my beautiful boys :)

sooo excited!

the lazies

happy birthday buddy :)

school

A Scary Disease

lots of firsts :)

giveaway contest :)

giving back.

fictional characters.

a mommy brag post.

need your help :)

and the verdict is...

tough

finally.. some sun!

missing things

carter's story

happy birthday

a new baby boy :)

baby week has arrived...

oh yea..

time slipping by...

an amazing thing...

february.

bad bloggie.

Merry Christmas!

i guess this is christmas.

Good-bye 29!

a bit of a break

sunshine & rainbows.

a day late..

4 months.

rainy days

special days.

hurt

you just never know..

RIP sweet girl

tired out

october 15

These tears don't make me weak, they mean I still love you, that I remember you, and Iwish you were still here. I will gladly cry forever to never forget.

thanksgiving

week one.. down!

this blog

back to life

outnumbered

tears & laughter

last week of lazy

really?

yet another milestone

an angry, angry day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!

crazy.

scones.. AND pumpkins (?)

rewind

ever wanna..

for a good cause :)

new house :)

post hurricane

hurricane

lurkers

a poem for my angel

a GREAT day

big garden harvest :)

the fun begins.

got moved.

what i've been up to!

you know what sucks?

kidless

good and bad.

fun times with family.

i survived.

perfect timing

six weeks.

These tears don't make me weak, they mean I still love you, that I remember you, and I
wish you were still here. I will gladly cry forever to never forget.